You ruined the universe
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
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I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
i think im in europe. pls send help
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My bed smells like the plague
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My penis needs a shock collar
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
These tits shall not be calmed
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I didn't notice because vodka
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.