On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
