i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
