At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
