I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
ugly people sure do ruin things
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
your address is 607B right?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.