Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
