All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
I'm gonna have a badass scar
my mouth tastes like poor choices
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.