I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.