By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
it's like heaven, but drunker
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I intend to get homeless drunk
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz