I just made out with a guy for $7.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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