They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.