Texts From Last Night · melodielopez's Favorites

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

What bar did i puke in last night

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on

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(641): View more from Iowa

you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.

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(802): View more from Vermont

So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(850): View more from Florida

He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear

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(952): View more from Minnesota

it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table

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(904): View more from Florida

Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.

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(510): View more from California

she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.

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(510): View more from California

Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.

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(775): View more from Nevada

he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.

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(315): View more from New York

I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do

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(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.

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(315): View more from New York

Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying

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(210): View more from Texas

Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute

(1-210): View more from Texas

Hello cirrhosis

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(773): View more from Illinois

he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.

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(562): View more from California

I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..

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(407): View more from Florida

Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.

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(330): View more from Ohio

sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.

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(409): View more from Texas

The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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(703): View more from Virginia

that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good

(1-703): View more from Virginia

that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna

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(631): View more from New York

can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished

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(630): View more from Illinois

This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP

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(207): View more from Maine

my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(410): View more from Maryland

he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

my self respect just called, its having a good time without me

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(917): View more from New York City

But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

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(805): View more from California

I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

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(541): View more from Oregon

There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.

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(515): View more from Iowa

His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.

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(712): View more from Iowa

slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...

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(865): View more from Tennessee

What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

there are ass prints on the hood of my car.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.

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(208): View more from Idaho

the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker

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(330): View more from Ohio

Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag

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(209): View more from California

You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant

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(319): View more from Iowa

I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you

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(415): View more from California

What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.

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(925): View more from California

Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard

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(613): View more from Ontario

who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked

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(502): View more from Kentucky

We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart

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(614): View more from Ohio

she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.

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(705): View more from Ontario

You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.

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(530): View more from California

I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will

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(504): View more from Louisiana

The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend

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(760): View more from California

She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.

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(817): View more from Texas

I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.

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(425): View more from Washington

She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.

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(817): View more from Texas

He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila

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(406): View more from Montana

We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(443): View more from Maryland

he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere

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(719): View more from Colorado

physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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(503): View more from Oregon

some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'

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(248): View more from Michigan

guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

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(239): View more from Florida

I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...

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(315): View more from New York

He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.

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(281): View more from Texas

I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.

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(805): View more from California

before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.

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(315): View more from New York

It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.

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(214): View more from Texas

She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.

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(276): View more from Virginia

Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles

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(305): View more from Florida

quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

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(302): View more from Delaware

It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex

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(208): View more from Idaho

She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.

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(940): View more from Texas

You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.

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(303): View more from Colorado

No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"

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(613): View more from Ontario

She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

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(520): View more from Arizona

just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?

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(408): View more from California

Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape

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(813): View more from Florida

im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.

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(949): View more from California

She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double

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(559): View more from California

I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(631): View more from New York

My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud

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(253): View more from Washington

she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie

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(404): View more from Georgia

Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

well now I have to

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(941): View more from Florida

Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(330): View more from Ohio

Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(815): View more from Illinois

She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary

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(248): View more from Michigan

We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(619): View more from California

Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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