I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
