He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I intend to get homeless drunk
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"