Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She even gives head with a lisp.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....