the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.