Texts From Last Night

whatpaigeesaid's Favorites Texts:

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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.

  (517): View more from Michigan

  We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by

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  (517): Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity. (517): We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by http://tfl.nu/0fvy
  Replies (9) Good night (2625) Bad night (512)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd

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  (301): he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd http://tfl.nu/beck
  Replies (10) Good night (2263) Bad night (556) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.

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  (717): Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth. http://tfl.nu/hix3
  Replies (6) Good night (1597) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I woke up with glitter in my wounds.

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  (778): I woke up with glitter in my wounds. http://tfl.nu/r4io
  Replies (11) Good night (1865) Bad night (778) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.

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  (949): Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits. http://tfl.nu/xzwv
  Replies (4) Good night (2051) Bad night (468)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.

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  (678): I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation... (404): I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud. http://tfl.nu/9qj8
  Replies (8) Good night (3499) Bad night (355)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.

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  (305): Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math. http://tfl.nu/nfyi
  Replies (3) Good night (1210) Bad night (325) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.

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  (262): Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink. http://tfl.nu/n6v7
  Replies (14) Good night (2976) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
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  (956): View more from Texas

  He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...

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  (956): He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type... http://tfl.nu/bma2
  Replies (12) Good night (3985) Bad night (525) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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  (717): It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost. http://tfl.nu/w01g
  Replies (17) Good night (6655) Bad night (505) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses

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  (704): Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses http://tfl.nu/b9lj
  Replies (1) Good night (1139) Bad night (862)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D

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  (902): This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D http://tfl.nu/3txw
  Replies (15) Good night (2164) Bad night (680)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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  (615): Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls. http://tfl.nu/rbr1
  Replies (13) Good night (3426) Bad night (1054) Order T-Shirt
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  (718): View more from New York

  According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.

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  (718): According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago. http://tfl.nu/y0dx
  Replies (4) Good night (2193) Bad night (448) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?

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  (904): he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french? http://tfl.nu/ofgx
  Replies (23) Good night (6870) Bad night (602)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.

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  (410): you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship. http://tfl.nu/fcev
  Replies (5) Good night (2027) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.

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  (917): This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts. http://tfl.nu/i0fp
  Replies (14) Good night (2778) Bad night (492) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

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  (480): I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet http://tfl.nu/9wvg
  Replies (3) Good night (3617) Bad night (454) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?

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  (917): How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German? http://tfl.nu/lobs
  Replies (11) Good night (1426) Bad night (865) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children

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  (248): The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children http://tfl.nu/7xpu
  Replies (6) Good night (3958) Bad night (471)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

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  (903): Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning. http://tfl.nu/i0lg
  Replies (6) Good night (2607) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.

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  (303): They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome. http://tfl.nu/wbzs
  Replies (23) Good night (3837) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.

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  (519): He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship. http://tfl.nu/txlk
  Replies (20) Good night (625) Bad night (2986) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.

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  (206): My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help. http://tfl.nu/31aq
  Replies (50) Good night (579) Bad night (9665)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.

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  (402): Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown. http://tfl.nu/l3ul
  Replies (49) Good night (2038) Bad night (5014) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.

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  (508): He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think. http://tfl.nu/5bqt
  Replies (35) Good night (6037) Bad night (357)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.

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  (630): You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that. http://tfl.nu/mbpz
  Replies (13) Good night (1508) Bad night (1073) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.

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  (360): I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised. http://tfl.nu/zjt1
  Replies (6) Good night (2002) Bad night (647) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.

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  (303): I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all. http://tfl.nu/c3dm
  Replies (16) Good night (5714) Bad night (656) Order T-Shirt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.

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  (334): How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE. http://tfl.nu/y183
  Replies (11) Good night (3639) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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  (210): Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material. http://tfl.nu/16u9
  Replies (64) Good night (5151) Bad night (2313) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.

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  (425): I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid. http://tfl.nu/1sxi
  Replies (13) Good night (3181) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.

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  (714): I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later. http://tfl.nu/riev
  Replies (17) Good night (1621) Bad night (2022) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table

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  (206): I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table http://tfl.nu/jkfk
  Replies (5) Good night (2113) Bad night (803)
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  (818): View more from California

  why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?

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  (818): why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing? http://tfl.nu/8p36
  Replies (26) Good night (802) Bad night (3338) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  i just made my gag reflex go away.

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  (336): i just made my gag reflex go away. http://tfl.nu/haya
  Replies (47) Good night (6838) Bad night (478) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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  (916): So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off? http://tfl.nu/zq3l
  Replies (112) Good night (23016) Bad night (582) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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  (703): How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist http://tfl.nu/hzre
  Replies (50) Good night (23041) Bad night (1294) Order T-Shirt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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  (240): I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good. http://tfl.nu/bq51
  Replies (96) Good night (26071) Bad night (1426)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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  (203): his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper http://tfl.nu/7n4i
  Replies (53) Good night (26455) Bad night (1094) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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  (215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room. http://tfl.nu/3nsa
  Replies (83) Good night (38100) Bad night (1659) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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  (215): My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.." http://tfl.nu/yyzh
  Replies (124) Good night (39432) Bad night (2265)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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  (404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". http://tfl.nu/tf5y
  Replies (385) Good night (39830) Bad night (3547)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

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  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
  Replies (114) Good night (44025) Bad night (1632) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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  (508): I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes http://tfl.nu/xrcl
  Replies (35) Good night (5275) Bad night (1062) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....

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  (201): Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me".... http://tfl.nu/dlub
  Replies (22) Good night (6240) Bad night (673)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical

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  (973): Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical http://tfl.nu/uh4w
  Replies (141) Good night (3987) Bad night (1996) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER

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  (508): WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER http://tfl.nu/4rej
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses

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  (216): you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses http://tfl.nu/p89j
  Replies (20) Good night (2384) Bad night (368) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.

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  (519): Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it. http://tfl.nu/tzzv
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  (607): View more from New York

  I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.

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  (607): I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson. http://tfl.nu/gvkr
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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  (519): On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend? http://tfl.nu/abvl
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong

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  (630): So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong http://tfl.nu/7whz
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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  (330): I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America http://tfl.nu/nfrq
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

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  (919): Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee. http://tfl.nu/oz8w
  Replies (20) Good night (3968) Bad night (708) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.

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  (612): Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down. http://tfl.nu/yekc
  Replies (13) Good night (1192) Bad night (1997) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..

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  (732): just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german.. http://tfl.nu/y195
  Replies (32) Good night (5366) Bad night (571) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign

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  (714): OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign http://tfl.nu/7urn
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.

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  (973): Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day. http://tfl.nu/sevp
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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  (440): Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried http://tfl.nu/9dr3
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online

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  (319): I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online http://tfl.nu/tzby
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  (817): View more from Texas

  The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

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  (817): The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen. http://tfl.nu/gj69
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me

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  (847): cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me http://tfl.nu/qd03
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  I respect that

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  (508): I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice (1-508): I respect that http://tfl.nu/enis
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he thanks me after handjobs.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  you found the perfect man.

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  (203): he thanks me after handjobs. (1-203): you found the perfect man. http://tfl.nu/eh9t
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."

  (815): View more from Illinois

  oh god.

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  (720): By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer." (815): oh god. http://tfl.nu/0mg8
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  (210): View more from Texas

  If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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  (210): If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever. http://tfl.nu/5js7
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines

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  (603): Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines http://tfl.nu/hhep
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  (850): View more from Florida

  My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.

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  (850): My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper. http://tfl.nu/6jx2
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  (347): View more from New York

  Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.

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  (347): Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service. http://tfl.nu/eqpl
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

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  (719): He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that" http://tfl.nu/ec8j
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  (206): View more from Washington

  If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh

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  (206): If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh http://tfl.nu/j9ko
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

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  (617): She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl. http://tfl.nu/oaik
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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  (317): He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him... (1-317): He's the fucking cop whisperer. http://tfl.nu/3vvt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend

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  (850): i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend http://tfl.nu/u4us
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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  (250): If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour. http://tfl.nu/xxvi
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.

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  (609): i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying. http://tfl.nu/89ja
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  (813): View more from Florida

  he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

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  (813): he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there http://tfl.nu/k2pn
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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  (401): i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush. http://tfl.nu/l70n
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Darwin at his finest.

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  (571): You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg. (202): Darwin at his finest. http://tfl.nu/rqsd
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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  (973): On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now? http://tfl.nu/9ud5
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.

  (1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.

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  (814): Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me. (1-814): I hope you walked the shit out of that shame. http://tfl.nu/1vn7
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.

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  (203): Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being. http://tfl.nu/247a
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.

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  (856): take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month. http://tfl.nu/ebzl
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......

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  (610): Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain....... http://tfl.nu/fodn
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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  (207): I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7 http://tfl.nu/thj7
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  (661): View more from California

  I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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  (661): I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me http://tfl.nu/2y9m
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  (415): View more from California

  Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.

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  (415): Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius. http://tfl.nu/jxsz
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend

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  (651): i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend http://tfl.nu/co7p
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?

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  (480): Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people? http://tfl.nu/e8xq
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  (315): View more from New York

  The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.

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  (315): The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style. http://tfl.nu/brn7
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.

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  (630): He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors. http://tfl.nu/ipmp
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  (+77): View more from

  her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'

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  (+77): her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like' http://tfl.nu/jkuk
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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  (860): i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty. http://tfl.nu/tep7
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.

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  (214): Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life (501): 3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday. http://tfl.nu/1c46
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  My cha cha got a haircut

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf

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  (814): My cha cha got a haircut (724): thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf http://tfl.nu/cixh
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  As in ill only blow him next week

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  (403): I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow (403): As in ill only blow him next week http://tfl.nu/dd9t
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  Please get laid.

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  (919): I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot. (1-919): Please get laid. http://tfl.nu/xffk
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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  (816): dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock... (1-816): Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings. (816): that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it. http://tfl.nu/66g0
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.

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  (908): but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before. http://tfl.nu/ra7g
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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  (989): I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it. http://tfl.nu/prf6
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis

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  (901): Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis http://tfl.nu/d468
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled

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  (251): I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled http://tfl.nu/uuon
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  (325): View more from Texas

  wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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  (325): wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah" http://tfl.nu/d8s5
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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  (571): So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder. http://tfl.nu/3ets
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

  (1-609): View more from New Jersey

  and?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  RIP clitoris

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  (609): I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there... (1-609): and? (609): RIP clitoris http://tfl.nu/1ub6
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Umm..who the fuck is this?

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh shit

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  (781): Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them? (617): Umm..who the fuck is this? (781): Oh shit http://tfl.nu/ik4c
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  (718): View more from New York

  I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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  (718): I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!" http://tfl.nu/wp1u
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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  (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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  (843): Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true http://tfl.nu/y8hf
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.

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  (970): If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time. http://tfl.nu/fjy0
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.

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  (313): theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen. http://tfl.nu/by0t
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.

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  (509): I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier. http://tfl.nu/0psb
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  (207): View more from Maine

  did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?

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  (207): did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in? http://tfl.nu/zbg4
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

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  (706): I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant. http://tfl.nu/0cvw
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  (904): View more from Florida

  This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.

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  (904): This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them. http://tfl.nu/3ylo
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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  (410): i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka. (443): do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob? http://tfl.nu/qeeu
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.

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  (828): Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt. http://tfl.nu/toh0
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.

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  (603): All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident. http://tfl.nu/iw55
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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  (317): So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it http://tfl.nu/80uu
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.

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  (815): walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill. http://tfl.nu/3jcw
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  (714): View more from California

  I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.

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  (714): I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through. http://tfl.nu/cb3b
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