Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
So many bounce houses so little time
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
this will be a night to untag.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'