Texts From Last Night

iamthebaron's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Someone just got laid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness? (774): Someone just got laid. http://tfl.nu/ub8q
  Replies (17) Good night (9068) Bad night (1056)
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

  (905): View more from Ontario

  You're fat. Stop making excuses

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes (905): You're fat. Stop making excuses http://tfl.nu/rdmk
  Replies (70) Good night (13020) Bad night (5283)
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with http://tfl.nu/g7w5
  Replies (41) Good night (948) Bad night (5166) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless. http://tfl.nu/34a1
  Replies (27) Good night (5947) Bad night (1179)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone http://tfl.nu/wpdv
  Replies (38) Good night (560) Bad night (1705) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name. http://tfl.nu/imhe
  Replies (63) Good night (6607) Bad night (2034) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (870): Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty" http://tfl.nu/dezg
  Replies (14) Good night (980) Bad night (4232) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  the worst part is we had a camera rolling

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yes.

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have to watch that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): the worst part is we had a camera rolling (267): Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys? (215): Yes. (267): I have to watch that. http://tfl.nu/u325
  Replies (30) Good night (5197) Bad night (1236)
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person. http://tfl.nu/uqdv
  Replies (54) Good night (1644) Bad night (5726) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient. http://tfl.nu/9tdu
  Replies (19) Good night (1013) Bad night (6371) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
  Replies (41) Good night (37114) Bad night (1388)
• Favorite

  (903): View more from Texas

  omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (903): omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal. http://tfl.nu/qev8
  Replies (26) Good night (17274) Bad night (1072) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia http://tfl.nu/0tpw
  Replies (28) Good night (6039) Bad night (1673) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season. http://tfl.nu/xinh
  Replies (24) Good night (5070) Bad night (1052) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (251): View more from Alabama

  Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (251): Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his http://tfl.nu/lwp2
  Replies (26) Good night (1090) Bad night (6631) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+49): View more from Germany

  Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+49): Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face http://tfl.nu/4iya
  Replies (26) Good night (11409) Bad night (1755) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women. http://tfl.nu/zhxo
  Replies (22) Good night (6141) Bad night (2753) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Say it nicely.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned
  Replies (51) Good night (16203) Bad night (1168) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  so finals studying is going well?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons. (309): so finals studying is going well? http://tfl.nu/jt5e
  Replies (13) Good night (7166) Bad night (931)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on. http://tfl.nu/5fm3
  Replies (30) Good night (10144) Bad night (1472) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits" http://tfl.nu/grvc
  Replies (45) Good night (3795) Bad night (963) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Update, its a couple

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho. (402): Update, its a couple http://tfl.nu/mrbp
  Replies (16) Good night (6540) Bad night (917)
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago. http://tfl.nu/4qky
  Replies (10) Good night (6423) Bad night (875) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work. http://tfl.nu/fle5
  Replies (15) Good night (6232) Bad night (780) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (320): Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks http://tfl.nu/7398
  Replies (64) Good night (1301) Bad night (6302) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
  Replies (82) Good night (33429) Bad night (1291)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper http://tfl.nu/xl5z
  Replies (89) Good night (9697) Bad night (1522) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

  (314): View more from Missouri

  did it work

  (573): View more from Missouri

  that's not the point...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?" (314): did it work (573): that's not the point... http://tfl.nu/fjqb
  Replies (74) Good night (9400) Bad night (913)
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

  (256): View more from Alabama

  Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass. (1-256): That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years. (256): Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that. (1-256): Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham. http://tfl.nu/egwd
  Replies (54) Good night (4905) Bad night (652)
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0
  Replies (34) Good night (25197) Bad night (1608)
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (479): Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school... http://tfl.nu/5amt
  Replies (23) Good night (4777) Bad night (513)
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look http://tfl.nu/dski
  Replies (17) Good night (4662) Bad night (1323) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not." http://tfl.nu/pkrm
  Replies (18) Good night (6119) Bad night (1149) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  put a dollar in it?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do (1-319): put a dollar in it? http://tfl.nu/6gdy
  Replies (14) Good night (1079) Bad night (4419) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend. http://tfl.nu/zf6u
  Replies (14) Good night (5107) Bad night (833) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you' http://tfl.nu/ael6
  Replies (25) Good night (2604) Bad night (5477) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number? http://tfl.nu/mc1r
  Replies (16) Good night (761) Bad night (4753) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (641): View more from Iowa

  and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (641): and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger" http://tfl.nu/o631
  Replies (20) Good night (5534) Bad night (1750) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (224): View more from Illinois

  Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (224): Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like. http://tfl.nu/j59v
  Replies (26) Good night (6655) Bad night (1126) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff. http://tfl.nu/tizj
  Replies (32) Good night (1065) Bad night (15094) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about. http://tfl.nu/gd5e
  Replies (43) Good night (1141) Bad night (8990) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (989): View more from Michigan

  dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (989): dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away http://tfl.nu/dlah
  Replies (30) Good night (1596) Bad night (7561)
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  I ordered a moonbounce.

  (813): View more from Florida

  Fuck, you win.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party. (1-813): I ordered a moonbounce. (813): Fuck, you win. http://tfl.nu/qedv
  Replies (39) Good night (10236) Bad night (890)
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  bring money and cleavage

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): bring money and cleavage http://tfl.nu/w9ou
  Replies (20) Good night (5922) Bad night (746) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  We shouldn"t be alone together

  (606): View more from Kentucky

  you didn"t say that yesterday

  (813): View more from Florida

  you weren't married yesterday

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): We shouldn"t be alone together (606): you didn"t say that yesterday (813): you weren't married yesterday http://tfl.nu/oykj
  Replies (41) Good night (1671) Bad night (8820)
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient. http://tfl.nu/2q61
  Replies (22) Good night (5111) Bad night (978) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accept this challenge.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you. (301): I accept this challenge. http://tfl.nu/mbqm
  Replies (60) Good night (18547) Bad night (1691)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here. http://tfl.nu/bwbb
  Replies (11) Good night (7631) Bad night (1214) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian. http://tfl.nu/9yc5
  Replies (49) Good night (5067) Bad night (1691) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it. http://tfl.nu/5i1a
  Replies (12) Good night (8157) Bad night (968)
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail" http://tfl.nu/o5gt
  Replies (37) Good night (6328) Bad night (1258) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life' http://tfl.nu/863e
  Replies (26) Good night (6769) Bad night (904) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  True romance of the 21st century.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too. (1-410): True romance of the 21st century. http://tfl.nu/laza
  Replies (62) Good night (13050) Bad night (1095)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake". http://tfl.nu/w0jz
  Replies (77) Good night (18507) Bad night (2418) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list. http://tfl.nu/2ara
  Replies (129) Good night (2816) Bad night (437) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit. http://tfl.nu/890j
  Replies (48) Good night (2674) Bad night (9371) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush. http://tfl.nu/l70n
  Replies (16) Good night (6723) Bad night (2214) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion. http://tfl.nu/bsvq
  Replies (15) Good night (5251) Bad night (740) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis". http://tfl.nu/fly1
  Replies (39) Good night (7751) Bad night (921) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive http://tfl.nu/u57a
  Replies (13) Good night (4405) Bad night (1231) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream. http://tfl.nu/u0h5
  Replies (52) Good night (4562) Bad night (2714) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting" http://tfl.nu/dmjy
  Replies (25) Good night (15144) Bad night (1134) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat. (1-303): ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent. http://tfl.nu/2smi
  Replies (17) Good night (12365) Bad night (1466) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane" http://tfl.nu/g45q
  Replies (7) Good night (1997) Bad night (725) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun http://tfl.nu/05t6
  Replies (16) Good night (7078) Bad night (801) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from. http://tfl.nu/qa0c
  Replies (11) Good night (5352) Bad night (972) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it. http://tfl.nu/e919
  Replies (20) Good night (7651) Bad night (972) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship. http://tfl.nu/j0tt
  Replies (13) Good night (6433) Bad night (1348) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"

  (1-608): View more from Wisconsin

  I like taco bell too

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal" (1-608): I like taco bell too http://tfl.nu/tqnv
  Replies (9) Good night (3905) Bad night (601) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff http://tfl.nu/wuol
  Replies (12) Good night (3491) Bad night (545) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  "fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): "fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house...... http://tfl.nu/xvur
  Replies (8) Good night (3782) Bad night (679) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey" http://tfl.nu/8m25
  Replies (29) Good night (6581) Bad night (1457) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe http://tfl.nu/ye00
  Replies (35) Good night (1132) Bad night (13745)
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  I love you

  (720): View more from Colorado

  are you drunk

  (440): View more from Ohio

  yes but I def love you, we should get married

  (720): View more from Colorado

  But I'm Jewish

  (440): View more from Ohio

  embrace Jesus

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): I love you (720): are you drunk (440): yes but I def love you, we should get married (720): But I'm Jewish (440): embrace Jesus http://tfl.nu/v32c
  Replies (9) Good night (2832) Bad night (580)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
  Replies (87) Good night (25740) Bad night (4386)
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

  (713): View more from Texas

  lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs
  Replies (21) Good night (10816) Bad night (1054)
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer http://tfl.nu/cllh
  Replies (118) Good night (23013) Bad night (2277) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
  Replies (30) Good night (19820) Bad night (1250) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself. http://tfl.nu/6r98
  Replies (27) Good night (11064) Bad night (1302)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  She's like a pop up book from hell.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): She's like a pop up book from hell. http://tfl.nu/grf5
  Replies (18) Good night (905) Bad night (3944) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme. http://tfl.nu/8vj2
  Replies (12) Good night (7684) Bad night (1200) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday' http://tfl.nu/p489
  Replies (62) Good night (2303) Bad night (24099) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night. http://tfl.nu/49y3
  Replies (18) Good night (4411) Bad night (1364) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants http://tfl.nu/j8mk
  Replies (8) Good night (876) Bad night (5124) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good. http://tfl.nu/bq51
  Replies (98) Good night (27346) Bad night (1735)
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied". http://tfl.nu/4up3
  Replies (12) Good night (1924) Bad night (3739) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (862): View more from New Jersey

  found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (862): found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later" http://tfl.nu/lryz
  Replies (19) Good night (10220) Bad night (1580) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it. http://tfl.nu/8hng
  Replies (28) Good night (10247) Bad night (1011) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  And that worked?

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night. (1-919): And that worked? (919): 9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards. http://tfl.nu/moso
  Replies (70) Good night (13313) Bad night (1357)
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I need hand sanitizer and jesus.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I need hand sanitizer and jesus. http://tfl.nu/r3xx
  Replies (15) Good night (1823) Bad night (2452) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (251): View more from Alabama

  He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (251): He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me. http://tfl.nu/9j20
  Replies (58) Good night (3866) Bad night (626) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
  Replies (69) Good night (38068) Bad night (1816)
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do? http://tfl.nu/tx29
  Replies (46) Good night (8652) Bad night (1030) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children. http://tfl.nu/trxp
  Replies (24) Good night (7873) Bad night (1007)
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum http://tfl.nu/fisn
  Replies (28) Good night (2732) Bad night (9110) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms. http://tfl.nu/ibyd
  Replies (13) Good night (5121) Bad night (759) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (858): View more from California

  I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (858): I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way. http://tfl.nu/w85x
  Replies (26) Good night (14711) Bad night (896) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim. http://tfl.nu/xioc
  Replies (19) Good night (1178) Bad night (4379) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore. http://tfl.nu/ntw9
  Replies (55) Good night (5398) Bad night (1222) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  You got my ass fired just for knowing you

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  thanks for the bacon

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (479): You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment. (1-479): You got my ass fired just for knowing you (479): thanks for the bacon http://tfl.nu/zw0i
  Replies (19) Good night (5410) Bad night (1201)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly http://tfl.nu/a8cm
  Replies (19) Good night (1280) Bad night (5370)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along. http://tfl.nu/ex0g
  Replies (26) Good night (6003) Bad night (947) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  well its been awhile since I've surfed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol (1-813): well its been awhile since I've surfed http://tfl.nu/lkwy
  Replies (4) Good night (1809) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  What's wrong?

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Pussy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): What's wrong? (1-503): Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans. (503): Pussy. http://tfl.nu/sltt
  Replies (18) Good night (776) Bad night (2132)
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  You shut your mouth

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy (1-313): You shut your mouth http://tfl.nu/xp5b
  Replies (34) Good night (1327) Bad night (576) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  i don't want you to think of me as your TA

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): i don't want you to think of me as your TA http://tfl.nu/7pvf
  Replies (26) Good night (9922) Bad night (1238) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault." http://tfl.nu/r5ek
  Replies (13) Good night (6268) Bad night (1260) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good http://tfl.nu/q5pn
  Replies (15) Good night (1242) Bad night (4903) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message. http://tfl.nu/jwe9
  Replies (19) Good night (9422) Bad night (745) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top http://tfl.nu/zi79
  Replies (257) Good night (8205) Bad night (2229) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.' http://tfl.nu/2fkm
  Replies (17) Good night (9355) Bad night (1363) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
  Replies (53) Good night (72065) Bad night (2126) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick http://tfl.nu/778x
  Replies (69) Good night (14281) Bad night (3603) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent http://tfl.nu/74gr
  Replies (14) Good night (6232) Bad night (1232) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Walk of Shame time yet?

  (1+44): View more from

  Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Walk of Shame time yet? (1+44): Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling? http://tfl.nu/qcn9
  Replies (44) Good night (18439) Bad night (1313)
• Favorite

  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (339): i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall http://tfl.nu/8iwm
  Replies (38) Good night (21300) Bad night (2000) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!' http://tfl.nu/7tsr
  Replies (24) Good night (10434) Bad night (627)
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session http://tfl.nu/9nzb
  Replies (111) Good night (1152) Bad night (6692)
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

  (949): View more from California

  I gave it to your brother to give to you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it? (949): I gave it to your brother to give to you. http://tfl.nu/fwxt
  Replies (55) Good night (13544) Bad night (5085)
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
  Replies (248) Good night (66718) Bad night (3007) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (856): Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job http://tfl.nu/pld4
  Replies (19) Good night (1093) Bad night (4125) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate http://tfl.nu/lx6z
  Replies (61) Good night (986) Bad night (5487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (971): View more from Oregon

  He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (971): He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex. http://tfl.nu/3zjj
  Replies (21) Good night (1701) Bad night (6361) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

  (760): View more from California

  When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex" (760): When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely." http://tfl.nu/jlap
  Replies (19) Good night (6738) Bad night (575)
• Favorite

  (951): View more from California

  My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (951): My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate? http://tfl.nu/77q7
  Replies (77) Good night (6906) Bad night (1055) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed http://tfl.nu/eq1c
  Replies (89) Good night (9014) Bad night (1510) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

  (1-907): View more from Alaska

  Sarah Palin

  (907): View more from Alaska

  god, I love you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): Tell me the dirtiest joke you know (1-907): Sarah Palin (907): god, I love you http://tfl.nu/fmd4
  Replies (101) Good night (10336) Bad night (1123)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you http://tfl.nu/5bao
  Replies (20) Good night (4839) Bad night (607) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me. http://tfl.nu/gnbi
  Replies (55) Good night (5990) Bad night (582) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way. http://tfl.nu/3diq
  Replies (49) Good night (3730) Bad night (1159)
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you http://tfl.nu/ey1b
  Replies (71) Good night (3703) Bad night (593) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

  (376): View more from

  you are insane

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere. (376): you are insane http://tfl.nu/nfoh
  Replies (12) Good night (3452) Bad night (752)
• Favorite

  (912): View more from Georgia

  Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (912): Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance? http://tfl.nu/favq
  Replies (39) Good night (4755) Bad night (797) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you http://tfl.nu/r9im
  Replies (21) Good night (887) Bad night (4327) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock." http://tfl.nu/9z32
  Replies (20) Good night (4365) Bad night (580) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm http://tfl.nu/ao4q
  Replies (38) Good night (4338) Bad night (1897) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed http://tfl.nu/3qmq
  Replies (5) Good night (5480) Bad night (474) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is. http://tfl.nu/56s9
  Replies (83) Good night (9314) Bad night (964) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
  Replies (1628) Good night (168288) Bad night (42164) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (601): i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?" http://tfl.nu/96xf
  Replies (133) Good night (1524) Bad night (4849) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (289) Good night (62264) Bad night (4269)