Texts From Last Night

hopeth's Favorites Texts:

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  (352): View more from Florida

  I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

  (917): View more from New York City

  I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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  (352): I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God. (917): I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice. http://tfl.nu/jdh1
  Replies (121) Good night (2757) Bad night (14581)
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  (707): View more from California

  he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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  (707): he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?" http://tfl.nu/pefr
  Replies (22) Good night (5224) Bad night (1822) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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  (205): you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!! http://tfl.nu/1wys
  Replies (9) Good night (5855) Bad night (722)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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  (702): You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever. http://tfl.nu/mih5
  Replies (13) Good night (4800) Bad night (910) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  I hate you

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  (425): Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs? (1-425): I hate you http://tfl.nu/19l9
  Replies (14) Good night (3705) Bad night (271) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

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  (917): she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could. http://tfl.nu/cj4q
  Replies (74) Good night (3543) Bad night (17368) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

  (1-907): View more from Alaska

  Sarah Palin

  (907): View more from Alaska

  god, I love you

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  (907): Tell me the dirtiest joke you know (1-907): Sarah Palin (907): god, I love you http://tfl.nu/fmd4
  Replies (100) Good night (10003) Bad night (900)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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  (703): How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist http://tfl.nu/hzre
  Replies (50) Good night (23039) Bad night (1294) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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  (360): he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them http://tfl.nu/8aam
  Replies (40) Good night (15811) Bad night (1734) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
  Replies (87) Good night (24635) Bad night (3943)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places

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  (603): Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places http://tfl.nu/sf6j
  Replies (13) Good night (6537) Bad night (1352) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  i wish peter jackson would direct porn

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  (715): i wish peter jackson would direct porn http://tfl.nu/76vz
  Replies (13) Good night (3556) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt

  (702): View more from Nevada

  maybe shoes and water too

  (702): View more from Nevada

  oh and maybe a noose to hang myself

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  (702): can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt (702): maybe shoes and water too (702): oh and maybe a noose to hang myself http://tfl.nu/qxrs
  Replies (8) Good night (603) Bad night (2466)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  got weed?

  (425): View more from Washington

  I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

  (206): View more from Washington

  sorry mom...

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  (206): got weed? (425): I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone. (206): sorry mom... http://tfl.nu/04mv
  Replies (157) Good night (1756) Bad night (17171)
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Why am I in a dog kennel?

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  It was for your own safety

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  (803): Why am I in a dog kennel? (1-803): It was for your own safety http://tfl.nu/w7ni
  Replies (27) Good night (12291) Bad night (1080) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
  Replies (156) Good night (6143) Bad night (39422)
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  (619): View more from California

  i miss you so much

  (858): View more from California

  i miss you too

  (858): View more from California

  oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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  (619): i miss you so much (858): i miss you too (858): oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me http://tfl.nu/932e
  Replies (16) Good night (2194) Bad night (465)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.

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  (615): The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face. http://tfl.nu/dqag
  Replies (11) Good night (893) Bad night (4774) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.

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  (613): There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room. http://tfl.nu/y7ti
  Replies (17) Good night (1867) Bad night (4713) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

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  (317): sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president" http://tfl.nu/8jue
  Replies (21) Good night (6377) Bad night (1184) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.

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  (719): I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me. http://tfl.nu/o08k
  Replies (16) Good night (5038) Bad night (1257) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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  (847): You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive. http://tfl.nu/z8kz
  Replies (19) Good night (6799) Bad night (926) Order T-Shirt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  This kid is drunk.

  (410): View more from Maryland

  I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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  (240): This kid is drunk. (410): I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted. http://tfl.nu/8aqa
  Replies (6) Good night (7553) Bad night (572)
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  (323): View more from California

  You got in a fight last night?

  (818): View more from California

  Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

  (323): View more from California

  Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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  (323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you? http://tfl.nu/hf09
  Replies (128) Good night (7629) Bad night (22863)
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have two black x marks on my hands.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

  (971): View more from Oregon

  damnit I wish I could remember that.

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  (971): I have two black x marks on my hands. (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here' (971): damnit I wish I could remember that. http://tfl.nu/kz4a
  Replies (58) Good night (25444) Bad night (973)
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Call me "white mamba"

  (334): View more from Alabama

  Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake

  (251): View more from Alabama

  It is white.

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  (251): Call me "white mamba" (334): Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake (251): It is white. http://tfl.nu/1p0c
  Replies (5) Good night (768) Bad night (1216)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people

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  (614): If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people http://tfl.nu/avir
  Replies (19) Good night (4109) Bad night (938) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.

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  (307): Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again. http://tfl.nu/btf1
  Replies (60) Good night (7017) Bad night (959)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document

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  (570): I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document http://tfl.nu/k2y9
  Replies (49) Good night (979) Bad night (5791) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I don't even know what potassium is.

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  (571): You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember? (703): I don't even know what potassium is. http://tfl.nu/wfp6
  Replies (47) Good night (9564) Bad night (671)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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  (651): Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you. http://tfl.nu/jbfy
  Replies (27) Good night (8562) Bad night (1048) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  God I fucking love America.

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  (513): NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016... (1-513): God I fucking love America. http://tfl.nu/eses
  Replies (44) Good night (8618) Bad night (761) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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  (850): We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you. http://tfl.nu/tn9h
  Replies (18) Good night (7754) Bad night (1010) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  i can respect that.

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  (404): on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you. (1-404): i can respect that. http://tfl.nu/fvjd
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  (917): View more from New York City

  we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.

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  (917): we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer. http://tfl.nu/2zy4
  Replies (59) Good night (9850) Bad night (932)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it

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  (201): so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it http://tfl.nu/kytb
  Replies (18) Good night (1071) Bad night (4533)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  whatd she say to you?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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  (256): my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table (1-256): whatd she say to you? (256): no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle http://tfl.nu/mg7u
  Replies (60) Good night (1652) Bad night (7921)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends

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  (908): I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends http://tfl.nu/6cx1
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  (845): View more from New York

  It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.

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  (845): It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot. http://tfl.nu/ztf1
  Replies (69) Good night (3934) Bad night (536)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
  Replies (76) Good night (41852) Bad night (1332) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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  (905): so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever. http://tfl.nu/wzae
  Replies (126) Good night (22030) Bad night (1353) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.

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  (937): Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in. http://tfl.nu/kwq2
  Replies (24) Good night (3236) Bad night (448) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?

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  (847): How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women? http://tfl.nu/e8g0
  Replies (92) Good night (1256) Bad night (3592) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.

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  (937): I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird. http://tfl.nu/7edr
  Replies (66) Good night (474) Bad night (4893)
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  (845): View more from New York

  Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.

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  (845): Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name. http://tfl.nu/dkz5
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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  (314): On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you? http://tfl.nu/ocb5
  Replies (131) Good night (30703) Bad night (1947) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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  (847): so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration". http://tfl.nu/m5rh
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.

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  (503): I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt. http://tfl.nu/4dkg
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  (714): View more from California

  Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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  (714): Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me http://tfl.nu/5ujc
  Replies (43) Good night (20189) Bad night (754)
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS

  (1-912): View more from Georgia

  dude...come out of the closet already

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  (912): i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS (1-912): dude...come out of the closet already http://tfl.nu/3iv6
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.

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  (717):Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine. (1-717):That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with. http://tfl.nu/pv3h
  Replies (16) Good night (3739) Bad night (367)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.

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  (713): yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome. http://tfl.nu/dlc1
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

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  (303): The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick" http://tfl.nu/klf2
  Replies (54) Good night (5936) Bad night (802)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  im getting a BJ in a closet

  (205): View more from Alabama

  and a penguin just handed me a bong

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  (205): im getting a BJ in a closet (205): and a penguin just handed me a bong http://tfl.nu/oarm
  Replies (60) Good night (11782) Bad night (582)
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Alcohol?

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Sex with a fat chick.

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  (601): How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next? (318): Alcohol? (601): Sex with a fat chick. http://tfl.nu/6g9z
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

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  (970): I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian. http://tfl.nu/kify
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

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  (832): I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit (303): I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex http://tfl.nu/u4ul
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You mean bread?

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  (678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast? (404): You mean bread? http://tfl.nu/0bp8
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh

  (513): View more from Ohio

  is this your pickup line?

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  (304): my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh (513): is this your pickup line? http://tfl.nu/r4ba
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  Marry him

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  (503): He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song. (1-503): Marry him http://tfl.nu/vquy
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"

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  (478): yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way" http://tfl.nu/67ib
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  She didnt have a camera...

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  (215): haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera (908): She didnt have a camera... http://tfl.nu/89kt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!

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  (413): DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!! http://tfl.nu/zcda
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?

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  (217): Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina? http://tfl.nu/iipt
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  (718): View more from New York

  you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out

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  (718): you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out http://tfl.nu/3q0w
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.

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  (781): I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. http://tfl.nu/mkrc
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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  (301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.

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  (407): I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through. http://tfl.nu/kavy
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  (858): View more from California

  I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.

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  (858): I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star. http://tfl.nu/5mxp
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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  (812): I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos. http://tfl.nu/9xke
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein

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  (412): waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein http://tfl.nu/1rbx
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can

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  (630): i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can http://tfl.nu/e7bo
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  6 min

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  (215): what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers (1-215): 6 min http://tfl.nu/dx1s
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  (516): View more from New York

  Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes

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  (516): Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes http://tfl.nu/edsk
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.

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  (513): How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region? (1-513): The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well. http://tfl.nu/bwog
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.

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  (952): well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning. http://tfl.nu/jye2
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted

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  (734): I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted http://tfl.nu/844p
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right

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  (540): Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right http://tfl.nu/yhhf
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.

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  (314): screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all. http://tfl.nu/filb
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

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  (402): she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics (1-402): you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys. http://tfl.nu/veft
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...

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  (701): My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this... http://tfl.nu/7jfd
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  nope, you were tallying rejections at the party

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  (313): hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots? (734): nope, you were tallying rejections at the party http://tfl.nu/c1is
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

  (406): View more from Montana

  And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Amen.

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  (701): The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out. (406): And we all know God doesn't like sinners. (701): Amen. http://tfl.nu/nq0i
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.

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  (206): He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears. http://tfl.nu/u9sm
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  (386): View more from Florida

  he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"

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  (386): he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor" http://tfl.nu/h9m9
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop

  (551): View more from New Jersey

  I really wish I could say this is a new low for you

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  (201): Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop (551): I really wish I could say this is a new low for you http://tfl.nu/0p1x
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  (817): View more from Texas

  well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while

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  (817): well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while http://tfl.nu/ax7b
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?

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  (203): I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night? http://tfl.nu/u6ad
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  (512): View more from Texas

  do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?

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  (512): do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule? http://tfl.nu/7un4
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  (845): View more from New York

  im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to

  (1-845): View more from New York

  i wanted you to too

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  (845): im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to (1-845): i wanted you to too http://tfl.nu/498i
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii

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  (207): I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii http://tfl.nu/9rj5
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.

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  (503): I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks. http://tfl.nu/i5e8
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning

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  (804): you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning http://tfl.nu/f3jq
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Party in the USA is so catchy!

  (863): View more from Florida

  Yea, so is AIDS.

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  (305): Party in the USA is so catchy! (863): Yea, so is AIDS. http://tfl.nu/nzzd
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  (661): View more from California

  i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

  (951): View more from California

  u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

  (661): View more from California

  i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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  (661): i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break.. (951): u hav a 3 hour lunch break?! (661): i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u http://tfl.nu/1ary
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

  (1-920): View more from Wisconsin

  no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  he wasn't. neither were you.

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  (920): dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss? (1-920): no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom? (920): he wasn't. neither were you. http://tfl.nu/3ltg
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days

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  (571): i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days http://tfl.nu/w4vm
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just got to costco. Where are you?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

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  (773): Just got to costco. Where are you? (602): Liquor aisle, bring another cart. http://tfl.nu/c1j1
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.

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  (765): I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings. http://tfl.nu/mgul
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

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  (203): I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night http://tfl.nu/hkfs
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here

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  (815): Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here http://tfl.nu/3q8i
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

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  (252): I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son. http://tfl.nu/kdpy
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.

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  (201): if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter. http://tfl.nu/wtfv
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks

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  (248): My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks http://tfl.nu/rdtc
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  (716): View more from New York

  An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready

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  (716): An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready http://tfl.nu/od5a
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.

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  (734): swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense. http://tfl.nu/wj9q
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  (831): View more from California

  There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.

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  (831): There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college. http://tfl.nu/9iax
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  (917): View more from New York City

  omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter

  (310): View more from California

  Whats your twitter name

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  (917): omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter (310): Whats your twitter name http://tfl.nu/jdyv
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  (760): View more from California

  What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo

  (619): View more from California

  Cremation, why do you ask?

  (760): View more from California

  I think we have a bit of a problem

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  (760): What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo (619): Cremation, why do you ask? (760): I think we have a bit of a problem http://tfl.nu/6d26
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background

  (443): View more from Maryland

  that only happened once.

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  (443): why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag? (410): haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background (443): that only happened once. http://tfl.nu/9rml
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.

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  (401): i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much. http://tfl.nu/qwgv
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  (858): View more from California

  You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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  (858): You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat. http://tfl.nu/yzbr
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way

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  (614): shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way http://tfl.nu/s2k7
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

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  (706): If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore http://tfl.nu/b6gx
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.

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  (850): I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did. http://tfl.nu/zdnh
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  (916): View more from California

  I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.

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  (916): I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time. http://tfl.nu/hsnu
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>

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  (302): she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to => http://tfl.nu/cnq4
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  (631): View more from New York

  AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg

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  (631): AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg http://tfl.nu/wpj0
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  Sounds like a baby waitign to happen

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  (586) Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24 (1-586) Sounds like a baby waitign to happen http://tfl.nu/ch1a
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  i totally said that

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  (905): i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight (1-905): i totally said that http://tfl.nu/40bc
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  just woke up in my neighbors garage.

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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  (931): just woke up in my neighbors garage. (931): scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage. http://tfl.nu/x40j
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster

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  (484): im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster http://tfl.nu/zma4
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

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  (412): we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later http://tfl.nu/u7bo
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?

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  (970): How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy? http://tfl.nu/ky06
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  (631): View more from New York

  just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.

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  (631): just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high. http://tfl.nu/w9mm
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  (818): View more from California

  I'm like cupid

  (1-818): View more from California

  You're a whore with a bow and arrow

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  (818): I'm like cupid (1-818): You're a whore with a bow and arrow http://tfl.nu/a0h0
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.

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  (757): Just try to lay there and not be pregnant. http://tfl.nu/a665
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  (917): View more from New York City

  im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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  (917): im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out http://tfl.nu/fsk9
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

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  (727): Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America. http://tfl.nu/b8jy
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  (305): View more from Florida

  go do what you do best...puke behind churches

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  (305): go do what you do best...puke behind churches http://tfl.nu/kmxp
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.

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  (313): We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure. http://tfl.nu/sjew
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  My astrological sign? Vagitarius.

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  (440): My astrological sign? Vagitarius. http://tfl.nu/0z0j
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  My Higher Power is John Stamos

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  (540): My Higher Power is John Stamos http://tfl.nu/1c78
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.

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  (203): hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother. http://tfl.nu/cqrd
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.

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  (201): the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called. http://tfl.nu/7ag1
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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  (484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud. http://tfl.nu/xhdj
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