Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
