Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward