I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
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