Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She even gives head with a lisp.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
it's great music for shaving your balls
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy