Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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