I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Watching her eat just hurts me
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.