Texts From Last Night · hillz5's Favorites

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hillz5's Favorites Texts:

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(302): View more from Delaware

But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you

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(207): View more from Maine

When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.

(1-207): View more from Maine

That's not what Jesus is for

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment

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(315): View more from New York

I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd

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(406): View more from Montana

All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.

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(310): View more from California

Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters

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(619): View more from California

I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again

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(573): View more from Missouri

He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.

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(512): View more from Texas

Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"

(1-512): View more from Texas

Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.

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(541): View more from Oregon

THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.

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(214): View more from Texas

Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...

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(307): View more from Wyoming

being pregnant is like rehab

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(305): View more from Florida

It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!

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(330): View more from Ohio

he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..

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(972): View more from Texas

I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.

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(407): View more from Florida

She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy

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(562): View more from California

WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle

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(702): View more from Nevada

See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.

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(410): View more from Maryland

he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.

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(984): View more from North Carolina

i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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(302): View more from Delaware

She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.

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(912): View more from Georgia

She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.

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(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag

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(301): View more from Maryland

Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often

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(530): View more from California

She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential

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(817): View more from Texas

Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.

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(514): View more from Quebec

We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...

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(208): View more from Idaho

Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.

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(979): View more from Texas

I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

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(805): View more from California

You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.

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(540): View more from Virginia

hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.

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(949): View more from California

I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?

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(212): View more from New York

Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?

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(313): View more from Michigan

I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?

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(407): View more from Florida

you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Run away.

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(303): View more from Colorado

How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"

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(574): View more from Indiana

I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

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(301): View more from Maryland

OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.

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(619): View more from California

By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums

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(214): View more from Texas

I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.

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(775): View more from Nevada

all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.

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(559): View more from California

And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone

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(785): View more from Kansas

She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective

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(708): View more from Illinois

Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!

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(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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(404): View more from Georgia

she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.

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(805): View more from California

I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship

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(601): View more from Mississippi

i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy

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(248): View more from Michigan

you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits

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(310): View more from California

Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took

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(850): View more from Florida

No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off

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(979): View more from Texas

I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.

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(802): View more from Vermont

He's yummy.

(613): View more from Ontario

HE'S GAY. AND 40.

(802): View more from Vermont

Irrelevant.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.

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(818): View more from California

She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"

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(850): View more from Florida

I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"

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(319): View more from Iowa

Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong

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(248): View more from Michigan

Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs

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(936): View more from Texas

I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.

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(519): View more from Ontario

someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it

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(705): View more from Ontario

in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.

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(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

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(818): View more from California

I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.

(805): View more from California

What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.

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(619): View more from California

Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.

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(585): View more from New York

He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity

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(567): View more from Ohio

I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..

(1-567): View more from Ohio

How so?

(567): View more from Ohio

Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.

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(312): View more from Illinois

sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.

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(909): View more from California

Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there

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(647): View more from Ontario

A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".

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(301): View more from Maryland

A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it

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(406): View more from Montana

i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.

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(517): View more from Michigan

drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea

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(440): View more from Ohio

Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.

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(956): View more from Texas

He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...

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(703): View more from Virginia

we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'

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(812): View more from Indiana

There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.

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(519): View more from Ontario

he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it

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(949): View more from California

this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head

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(760): View more from California

all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child

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(337): View more from Louisiana

so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.

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(917): View more from New York City

The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...

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(651): View more from Minnesota

well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face

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(904): View more from Florida

I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs

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(661): View more from California

It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.

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(289): View more from Ontario

he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs

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(971): View more from Oregon

I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.

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(941): View more from Florida

I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message

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