you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.