Texts From Last Night

dghwow's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (424): View more from California

  Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (424): Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus. http://tfl.nu/3sel
  Replies (10) Good night (1279) Bad night (258) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart. http://tfl.nu/okmj
  Replies (13) Good night (1173) Bad night (278) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man. http://tfl.nu/tr3t
  Replies (7) Good night (2362) Bad night (146)
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe http://tfl.nu/ufvr
  Replies (10) Good night (998) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms. http://tfl.nu/onlr
  Replies (5) Good night (1541) Bad night (148)
• Favorite

  (731): View more from Tennessee

  He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (731): He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver. http://tfl.nu/fyob
  Replies (8) Good night (1557) Bad night (144) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me? http://tfl.nu/yci0
  Replies (16) Good night (2943) Bad night (177)
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness. http://tfl.nu/0ech
  Replies (13) Good night (2331) Bad night (165) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.

  (410): View more from Maryland

  The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good. (410): The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky. http://tfl.nu/y3f5
  Replies (10) Good night (551) Bad night (1541)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success. http://tfl.nu/f7f6
  Replies (12) Good night (2656) Bad night (202) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something. http://tfl.nu/z9g9
  Replies (17) Good night (554) Bad night (1732) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (213): View more from California

  Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

  (1-213): View more from California

  best text I've received ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (213): Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon. (1-213): best text I've received ever. http://tfl.nu/3obm
  Replies (15) Good night (3778) Bad night (190) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me. http://tfl.nu/w1nr
  Replies (18) Good night (4780) Bad night (196)
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it http://tfl.nu/st9u
  Replies (5) Good night (793) Bad night (255) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred. http://tfl.nu/7z2u
  Replies (9) Good night (178) Bad night (1085) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines. http://tfl.nu/3y2e
  Replies (21) Good night (2213) Bad night (288)
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name. http://tfl.nu/i0ig
  Replies (8) Good night (323) Bad night (886) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Like handprints on my lower back...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines. (615): Like handprints on my lower back... http://tfl.nu/9y3r
  Replies (3) Good night (1571) Bad night (210)
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk. http://tfl.nu/bbnq
  Replies (6) Good night (970) Bad night (319) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  Impressive. I approve.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition (1-317): Impressive. I approve. http://tfl.nu/uf2f
  Replies (3) Good night (1101) Bad night (158) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom. http://tfl.nu/3nbn
  Replies (10) Good night (639) Bad night (941) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?

  (1-707): View more from California

  yeah, you wanna come?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store? (1-707): yeah, you wanna come? http://tfl.nu/465p
  Replies (7) Good night (1368) Bad night (342)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now http://tfl.nu/n0um
  Replies (7) Good night (2133) Bad night (224)
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus. http://tfl.nu/3jtv
  Replies (2) Good night (1263) Bad night (257)
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it. http://tfl.nu/knuw
  Replies (7) Good night (1010) Bad night (477) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  Make me a sandwich

  (301): View more from Maryland

  The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): Make me a sandwich (301): The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich. http://tfl.nu/al2a
  Replies (26) Good night (5292) Bad night (281)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring. http://tfl.nu/y78v
  Replies (8) Good night (375) Bad night (1032)
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?

  (518): View more from New York

  Its called bad cop laid cop.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for? (518): Its called bad cop laid cop. http://tfl.nu/7dnl
  Replies (9) Good night (3209) Bad night (295)
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband. http://tfl.nu/w0zf
  Replies (5) Good night (1669) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm. http://tfl.nu/vdhu
  Replies (15) Good night (4236) Bad night (282)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery. (202): That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics. http://tfl.nu/1mv0
  Replies (28) Good night (2452) Bad night (656)
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together. http://tfl.nu/0wgb
  Replies (12) Good night (610) Bad night (2775)
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer. http://tfl.nu/zy1n
  Replies (5) Good night (1271) Bad night (976) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos. http://tfl.nu/9yd3
  Replies (5) Good night (365) Bad night (1003)
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry http://tfl.nu/4kpv
  Replies (5) Good night (1107) Bad night (489) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink... http://tfl.nu/ok76
  Replies (19) Good night (623) Bad night (3231) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest. http://tfl.nu/3pug
  Replies (11) Good night (1858) Bad night (474)
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy.. http://tfl.nu/39a9
  Replies (12) Good night (2601) Bad night (308)
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever. http://tfl.nu/nvjj
  Replies (21) Good night (3213) Bad night (689)
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision. http://tfl.nu/yqhh
  Replies (19) Good night (4619) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs http://tfl.nu/wzfm
  Replies (4) Good night (1183) Bad night (401) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed (201): so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday http://tfl.nu/f6fd
  Replies (6) Good night (987) Bad night (532)
• Favorite

  (848): View more from New Jersey

  You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (848): You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself? http://tfl.nu/hc7l
  Replies (5) Good night (1314) Bad night (633) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (606): View more from Kentucky

  after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (606): after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls. http://tfl.nu/ni37
  Replies (17) Good night (4984) Bad night (413) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it.. http://tfl.nu/hsv3
  Replies (2) Good night (1537) Bad night (338)
• Favorite

  (432): View more from Texas

  I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (432): I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line. http://tfl.nu/q8nl
  Replies (20) Good night (4066) Bad night (511)
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke. http://tfl.nu/lmdn
  Replies (8) Good night (1049) Bad night (999) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard (1-417): Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming. http://tfl.nu/52u7
  Replies (2) Good night (834) Bad night (1089) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (506): When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again http://tfl.nu/dbq2
  Replies (7) Good night (1705) Bad night (393)
• Favorite

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (808): To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer. http://tfl.nu/dw2q
  Replies (27) Good night (2689) Bad night (449) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high http://tfl.nu/8t28
  Replies (7) Good night (991) Bad night (284) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me. http://tfl.nu/8edb
  Replies (4) Good night (1052) Bad night (403)
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related. http://tfl.nu/0zhl
  Replies (12) Good night (2159) Bad night (306)
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy http://tfl.nu/3ht2
  Replies (16) Good night (1852) Bad night (798) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered. http://tfl.nu/u1qq
  Replies (20) Good night (1952) Bad night (564) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet. http://tfl.nu/knpf
  Replies (2) Good night (1294) Bad night (317)
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun. http://tfl.nu/n6c2
  Replies (21) Good night (1843) Bad night (637)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink? http://tfl.nu/kd28
  Replies (11) Good night (2370) Bad night (289) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

  (917): View more from New York City

  Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

  (347): View more from New York

  he is a god among men.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment. (917): Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles. (347): he is a god among men. http://tfl.nu/gmep
  Replies (50) Good night (7013) Bad night (497)
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer. http://tfl.nu/iju5
  Replies (12) Good night (1317) Bad night (952)
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her? http://tfl.nu/6frm
  Replies (34) Good night (930) Bad night (2860) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you. http://tfl.nu/pksa
  Replies (6) Good night (4211) Bad night (301) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night. http://tfl.nu/v41h
  Replies (6) Good night (1999) Bad night (439)
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude.. http://tfl.nu/bx2g
  Replies (6) Good night (2449) Bad night (356)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high. http://tfl.nu/huz5
  Replies (6) Good night (1128) Bad night (762) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts" http://tfl.nu/m25q
  Replies (18) Good night (1952) Bad night (771) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (213): View more from California

  My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (213): My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie." http://tfl.nu/jevy
  Replies (38) Good night (3245) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+04): View more from

  I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+04): I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs. http://tfl.nu/iwem
  Replies (4) Good night (1008) Bad night (354) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business. http://tfl.nu/gu5e
  Replies (10) Good night (489) Bad night (985)
• Favorite

  (+27): View more from South Africa

  Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+27): Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!" http://tfl.nu/eeqt
  Replies (15) Good night (3524) Bad night (453) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (469): View more from Texas

  Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (469): Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened? http://tfl.nu/ksd8
  Replies (12) Good night (410) Bad night (1577) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing. http://tfl.nu/glhc
  Replies (66) Good night (532) Bad night (6608) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly http://tfl.nu/e7hc
  Replies (6) Good night (1420) Bad night (1042) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical. http://tfl.nu/ps02
  Replies (17) Good night (2728) Bad night (423)
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it. http://tfl.nu/hvow
  Replies (4) Good night (1423) Bad night (290) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark. http://tfl.nu/dx9e
  Replies (16) Good night (1928) Bad night (362) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever. http://tfl.nu/k2hn
  Replies (87) Good night (1399) Bad night (23123) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please? (443): he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag? http://tfl.nu/5o6h
  Replies (132) Good night (12125) Bad night (24665)
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that. (717): I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother... http://tfl.nu/ehm3
  Replies (153) Good night (1627) Bad night (24781)
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

  (1-323): View more from California

  We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

  (323): View more from California

  Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (323): Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender? (1-323): We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out? (323): Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture. http://tfl.nu/sr23
  Replies (43) Good night (973) Bad night (27068)
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed. http://tfl.nu/xljx
  Replies (87) Good night (3021) Bad night (30124) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion http://tfl.nu/golc
  Replies (262) Good night (3121) Bad night (30401) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me. http://tfl.nu/uo6c
  Replies (108) Good night (1838) Bad night (34439) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation". http://tfl.nu/h2mq
  Replies (83) Good night (2825) Bad night (37933) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
  Replies (156) Good night (6143) Bad night (39423)
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
  Replies (351) Good night (7018) Bad night (46839)
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
  Replies (221) Good night (6514) Bad night (70161)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present. http://tfl.nu/xf6g
  Replies (767) Good night (6466) Bad night (106507) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (386): View more from Florida

  I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (386): I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness http://tfl.nu/l65r
  Replies (17) Good night (2780) Bad night (403) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied. http://tfl.nu/2f2b
  Replies (11) Good night (2271) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away? http://tfl.nu/h2kh
  Replies (10) Good night (2761) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (808): Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy" http://tfl.nu/zdbd
  Replies (51) Good night (17048) Bad night (951) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker" http://tfl.nu/30jj
  Replies (44) Good night (17197) Bad night (665)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints. http://tfl.nu/3trl
  Replies (37) Good night (18600) Bad night (520)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises. http://tfl.nu/lren
  Replies (65) Good night (18932) Bad night (720)
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me http://tfl.nu/5ujc
  Replies (43) Good night (20189) Bad night (754)
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won. http://tfl.nu/tu5d
  Replies (36) Good night (20429) Bad night (2646) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  You weighed it?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car? (1-817): You weighed it? http://tfl.nu/lai6
  Replies (37) Good night (21004) Bad night (1173) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute http://tfl.nu/00es
  Replies (33) Good night (23530) Bad night (861) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+ http://tfl.nu/62eq
  Replies (90) Good night (23643) Bad night (665) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang". http://tfl.nu/9dw0
  Replies (66) Good night (24558) Bad night (922) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
  Replies (117) Good night (25286) Bad night (3897) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast. http://tfl.nu/3zo3
  Replies (47) Good night (27353) Bad night (797) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (434): View more from Virginia

  why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

  (540): View more from Virginia

  you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed? (540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets. http://tfl.nu/2g4o
  Replies (42) Good night (27433) Bad night (1085)
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad. http://tfl.nu/0kg4
  Replies (82) Good night (28717) Bad night (1860)
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
  Replies (54) Good night (28553) Bad night (1109) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
  Replies (78) Good night (29280) Bad night (643) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
  Replies (106) Good night (30058) Bad night (1029)
• Favorite

  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
  Replies (59) Good night (33654) Bad night (707)
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
  Replies (50) Good night (35013) Bad night (1368) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
  Replies (109) Good night (36354) Bad night (2650)
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
  Replies (101) Good night (36401) Bad night (1391)
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket http://tfl.nu/nqxt
  Replies (76) Good night (36845) Bad night (1337) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
  Replies (95) Good night (38043) Bad night (1192)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
  Replies (1608) Good night (161229) Bad night (40082) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
  Replies (816) Good night (136704) Bad night (8407) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a
  Replies (200) Good night (38522) Bad night (2837) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.." http://tfl.nu/yyzh
  Replies (124) Good night (39426) Bad night (2263)
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs. http://tfl.nu/ibfv
  Replies (124) Good night (40245) Bad night (942) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
  Replies (83) Good night (46882) Bad night (1718) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (178) Good night (48649) Bad night (1815)
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
  Replies (175) Good night (48989) Bad night (1510)
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
  Replies (171) Good night (49210) Bad night (5110)
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
  Replies (232) Good night (61993) Bad night (2129)
• Favorite

  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
  Replies (52) Good night (68152) Bad night (1686) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (292) Good night (69182) Bad night (1983) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
  Replies (349) Good night (55354) Bad night (6455) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (499) Good night (82811) Bad night (7566)