I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.