I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
