Texts From Last Night

AirHead420's Favorites Texts:

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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.

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  (317): Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow. http://tfl.nu/7vty
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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  (608): Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him. http://tfl.nu/b6v7
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own

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  (519): i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own http://tfl.nu/ot8v
  Replies (27) Good night (8230) Bad night (822)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.

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  (586): My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god. http://tfl.nu/ww51
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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  (651): he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong. http://tfl.nu/ln52
  Replies (28) Good night (8773) Bad night (1062) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

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  (765): I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock" http://tfl.nu/hksp
  Replies (30) Good night (8665) Bad night (1005) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.

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  (301): the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements. http://tfl.nu/23am
  Replies (39) Good night (8091) Bad night (749) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice

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  (818): So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice http://tfl.nu/dh5p
  Replies (94) Good night (8580) Bad night (554)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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  (214): decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!? http://tfl.nu/ozc5
  Replies (30) Good night (9145) Bad night (730)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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  (413): Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot. http://tfl.nu/sr3w
  Replies (19) Good night (8981) Bad night (1001)
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  (518): View more from New York

  just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her

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  (518): just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her http://tfl.nu/hb22
  Replies (74) Good night (8563) Bad night (715) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

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  (250): I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you. http://tfl.nu/p3o8
  Replies (15) Good night (9042) Bad night (665) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.

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  (403): I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like. http://tfl.nu/sasf
  Replies (25) Good night (8848) Bad night (696) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Well how do you think I feel

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  fair enough

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  (860): Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate (401): Well how do you think I feel (860): fair enough http://tfl.nu/zhgr
  Replies (39) Good night (9034) Bad night (441)
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  (516): View more from New York

  you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

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  (516): you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer. http://tfl.nu/fm8w
  Replies (64) Good night (8673) Bad night (980) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

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  (267): there needs to be a build-a-bong store... http://tfl.nu/zpe9
  Replies (53) Good night (8785) Bad night (683) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

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  (270): I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea? http://tfl.nu/h6xa
  Replies (42) Good night (8908) Bad night (2039) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame

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  (571): i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame http://tfl.nu/i2ht
  Replies (48) Good night (8606) Bad night (489) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating

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  (704): They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating http://tfl.nu/axfv
  Replies (24) Good night (8531) Bad night (377) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous

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  (949): if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous http://tfl.nu/ia7j
  Replies (28) Good night (8668) Bad night (762)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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  (757): I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it. http://tfl.nu/uqxt
  Replies (13) Good night (9072) Bad night (1401) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He felt like a one man threesome

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  (303): He felt like a one man threesome http://tfl.nu/1ehs
  Replies (17) Good night (8740) Bad night (719) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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  (519): Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit. (416): Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?! http://tfl.nu/iavy
  Replies (39) Good night (9763) Bad night (857)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.

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  (919): Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd. http://tfl.nu/5f3i
  Replies (64) Good night (8519) Bad night (558) Order T-Shirt
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Who won?

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  All of them.

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  (225): I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away. (504): Who won? (225): All of them. http://tfl.nu/xlra
  Replies (81) Good night (9033) Bad night (1427)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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  (610): you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask http://tfl.nu/pl36
  Replies (31) Good night (9349) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra

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  (310): My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra http://tfl.nu/y9he
  Replies (62) Good night (9218) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

  (1405): View more from

  I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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  (405): If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie. (1405): I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes? http://tfl.nu/u9sc
  Replies (45) Good night (9635) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.

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  (610): No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends. http://tfl.nu/ox60
  Replies (72) Good night (9577) Bad night (508)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'd give my left nut to see you

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  don't do that. I like the set

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  (724): I'd give my left nut to see you (609): don't do that. I like the set http://tfl.nu/41nb
  Replies (12) Good night (9333) Bad night (480)
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  (936): View more from Texas

  you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

  (1-936): View more from Texas

  I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

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  (936): you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while" (1-936): I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day... http://tfl.nu/1f15
  Replies (19) Good night (9507) Bad night (553)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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  (937): after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head. http://tfl.nu/3prw
  Replies (45) Good night (10000) Bad night (3891) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.

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  (615): i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card. http://tfl.nu/6ciy
  Replies (40) Good night (9231) Bad night (888) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  6 min

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  (215): what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers (1-215): 6 min http://tfl.nu/dx1s
  Replies (64) Good night (9736) Bad night (955) Order T-Shirt
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  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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  (+31): No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam. http://tfl.nu/gz4d
  Replies (23) Good night (11109) Bad night (644) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.

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  (209): this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not. http://tfl.nu/74g7
  Replies (27) Good night (9128) Bad night (493) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  you should get a family discount.

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  (770): I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer. (404): you should get a family discount. http://tfl.nu/bl35
  Replies (33) Good night (10268) Bad night (1048)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

  (713): View more from Texas

  lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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  (832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs
  Replies (21) Good night (10337) Bad night (854)
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  (650): View more from California

  after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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  (650): after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you http://tfl.nu/blf7
  Replies (38) Good night (9484) Bad night (403)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

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  (904): i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school http://tfl.nu/ysoe
  Replies (59) Good night (9758) Bad night (653) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

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  (515): I wish facebook had a fuck off button. http://tfl.nu/0iiv
  Replies (34) Good night (10050) Bad night (652) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC

  (831): View more from California

  Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

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  (661): Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC (831): Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown. http://tfl.nu/up2g
  Replies (43) Good night (9595) Bad night (568)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.

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  (785): Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless. http://tfl.nu/9j3y
  Replies (83) Good night (9407) Bad night (542) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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  (814): All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles. http://tfl.nu/duc8
  Replies (37) Good night (10183) Bad night (958) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.

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  (717): You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before. http://tfl.nu/0fke
  Replies (20) Good night (9875) Bad night (451) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

  (718): View more from New York

  pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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  (203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them (718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed http://tfl.nu/7id4
  Replies (31) Good night (10676) Bad night (605)
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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  (262): what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser http://tfl.nu/r42a
  Replies (30) Good night (10261) Bad night (925) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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  (727): and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go. http://tfl.nu/b20y
  Replies (37) Good night (9739) Bad night (961) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

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  (803): Everybody was literally kung fu fighting http://tfl.nu/75ca
  Replies (33) Good night (10036) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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  (330): We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever. http://tfl.nu/56mg
  Replies (38) Good night (9788) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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  (262): Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat? http://tfl.nu/beg4
  Replies (64) Good night (10494) Bad night (1562) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

  (810): View more from Michigan

  You're 20.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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  (734): So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear. (810): You're 20. (734): IT'S BUILD A BEAR! http://tfl.nu/k2jt
  Replies (148) Good night (10879) Bad night (1813)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.

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  (201): somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors. http://tfl.nu/tdd7
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  How did you steal an entire pie?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I don't know. It's in my purse.

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  (503): How did you steal an entire pie? (602): I don't know. It's in my purse. http://tfl.nu/b3mp
  Replies (22) Good night (10846) Bad night (732)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

  (407): View more from Florida

  i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

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  (850): TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas. (407): i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful. http://tfl.nu/1iey
  Replies (32) Good night (10020) Bad night (461)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.

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  (732): They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody. http://tfl.nu/blud
  Replies (55) Good night (10488) Bad night (785) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

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  (504): She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet. http://tfl.nu/znp0
  Replies (48) Good night (9967) Bad night (833) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

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  (520): just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon?? http://tfl.nu/c1fp
  Replies (33) Good night (10209) Bad night (765) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  batman tramp stamp. Dibs.

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  (858): batman tramp stamp. Dibs. http://tfl.nu/38kl
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad

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  (570): the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad http://tfl.nu/6zrt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

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  (217): you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot http://tfl.nu/time
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.

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  (616): I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me. http://tfl.nu/hmco
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.

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  (901): He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him. http://tfl.nu/u51w
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  (551): View more from New Jersey

  Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK

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  (551): Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK http://tfl.nu/f4xz
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas

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  (303): i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas http://tfl.nu/cueg
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.

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  (814): an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high. http://tfl.nu/ivcn
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.

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  (203): He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later. http://tfl.nu/9zcr
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  didn't stop?

  (773): View more from Illinois

  naw, they were rude, not me.

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  (773): My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family. (1-773): didn't stop? (773): naw, they were rude, not me. http://tfl.nu/wggq
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

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  (617): Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads http://tfl.nu/gove
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  (714): View more from California

  I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

  (949): View more from California

  I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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  (714): I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it? (949): I gave it to your brother to give to you. http://tfl.nu/fwxt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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  (407): sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch. http://tfl.nu/v1iz
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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  (402): lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce (1-402): IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE. http://tfl.nu/loe7
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.

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  (206): Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun. http://tfl.nu/3gwj
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Previous statement retracted.

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  (864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

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  (423): today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married http://tfl.nu/xv8o
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  (469): View more from Texas

  i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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  (469): i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine... http://tfl.nu/msgo
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  New charity walk idea!

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  (703): Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished. (202): New charity walk idea! http://tfl.nu/skxt
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  (718): View more from New York

  what happened last night?

  (917): View more from New York City

  u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

  (718): View more from New York

  that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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  (718): what happened last night? (917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style (718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left http://tfl.nu/i3a9
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

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  (305): I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind. http://tfl.nu/8l0m
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

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  (270): Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend. http://tfl.nu/ihwe
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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  (401): after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now. http://tfl.nu/y18v
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  (214): View more from Texas

  we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.

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  (214): we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER. http://tfl.nu/9rv5
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

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  (509): Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you http://tfl.nu/tpo5
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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  (704 ): I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is http://tfl.nu/z1kt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

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  (847): Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex. http://tfl.nu/aztc
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  what was she crying about?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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  (734): i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle. (1-734): what was she crying about? (734): i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job. http://tfl.nu/fomm
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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  (412): I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me. http://tfl.nu/826q
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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  (954): I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa http://tfl.nu/4mlw
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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  (708): so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me. http://tfl.nu/mwnt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  This explains so much.

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  (205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator? (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. (205): This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/ouwy
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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  (201): If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box? http://tfl.nu/nvmk
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  and I must say, you were very persuasive

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  (303): you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight. (303): and I must say, you were very persuasive http://tfl.nu/e18p
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I'm out of practice. be my yoda

  (314): View more from Missouri

  put your penis in her you must.

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  (314): doooooooo herrrrrrrrr (504): I'm out of practice. be my yoda (314): put your penis in her you must. http://tfl.nu/ti1e
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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  (803): just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car http://tfl.nu/l192
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  (530): View more from California

  I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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  (530): I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite http://tfl.nu/1k7e
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  (206): View more from Washington

  You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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  (206): You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack.. http://tfl.nu/nf69
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  (518): View more from New York

  you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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  (518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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  (256): Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade. http://tfl.nu/llb7
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Redeem this text for a blowjob

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  (507): Redeem this text for a blowjob http://tfl.nu/3lns
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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  (313): So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale. http://tfl.nu/y4yj
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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  (203): just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you http://tfl.nu/8puo
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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  (732): you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy." http://tfl.nu/a1we
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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  (219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won. http://tfl.nu/tu5d
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  hows the party?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ists fjcssing insceredle

  (913): View more from Kansas

  be there in 10

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  (913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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  (678): I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts. http://tfl.nu/4sqd
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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  (757): He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish. http://tfl.nu/lwox
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
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  (714): View more from California

  Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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  (714): Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me http://tfl.nu/5ujc
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  You weighed it?

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  (817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car? (1-817): You weighed it? http://tfl.nu/lai6
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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  (630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed http://tfl.nu/xhsk
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?

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  (410): I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever? http://tfl.nu/67g4
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  (760): View more from California

  I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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  (760): I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs. http://tfl.nu/67s4
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  (917): View more from New York City

  im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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  (917): im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out http://tfl.nu/fsk9
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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  (732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right http://tfl.nu/htd0
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

  (540): View more from Virginia

  you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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  (434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed? (540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets. http://tfl.nu/2g4o
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  I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.

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  (541): I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog. http://tfl.nu/ft4h
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  Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

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  Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

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  (703): Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life (541): Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard http://tfl.nu/54p5
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  at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking

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  only in oregon

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  (541): at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking (1-541): only in oregon http://tfl.nu/1bea
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  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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  (541): Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh. http://tfl.nu/1se4
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  you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?

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  (541): you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....? http://tfl.nu/ofi7
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  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.

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  (541): I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago. http://tfl.nu/gs96
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  i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.

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  (541): i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar. http://tfl.nu/crfd
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