Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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