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In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
That reminds me...we need to get swords
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
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