Texts From Last Night · mandycarseat's Favorites

mandycarseat's Favorites Texts:

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(630): View more from Illinois

I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best

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(804): View more from Virginia

She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks

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(415): View more from California

You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.

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(480): View more from Arizona

The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon

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25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Read it at the TFLN blog
(508): View more from Massachusetts

all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.

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(951): View more from California

My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room

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(905): View more from Ontario

they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"

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25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
Read it at the TFLN blog
(434): View more from Virginia

I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.

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(530): View more from California

I wish to strangle

(310): View more from California

whoa there darth vader

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(512): View more from Texas

Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.

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(386): View more from Florida

When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".

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(818): View more from California

It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.

(440): View more from Ohio

It's important to play to your strengths.

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(503): View more from Oregon

But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks

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(440): View more from Ohio

all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm honored.

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(305): View more from Florida

I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(443): View more from Maryland

Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?

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(231): View more from Michigan

That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys

(703): View more from Virginia

That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard

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(330): View more from Ohio

he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could

(1306): View more from

well, that escalated quicky

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(301): View more from Maryland

Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done

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(661): View more from California

He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.

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(646): View more from New York

Is 1:30 too early for the bar?

(718): View more from New York

Do you want my opinion or society's?

(646): View more from New York

I want your company

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school

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(773): View more from Illinois

I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.

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(716): View more from New York

Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at

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(616): View more from Michigan

Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~

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(914): View more from New York

Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing

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(785): View more from Kansas

I round house kicked her emotions in the face

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis

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(425): View more from Washington

Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.

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(727): View more from Florida

You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.

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(708): View more from Illinois

At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall

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(513): View more from Ohio

He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?

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(310): View more from California

Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i think i might be a female sloth

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me

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(765): View more from Indiana

We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship

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(518): View more from New York

Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day

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(315): View more from New York

My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.

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(917): View more from New York City

My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts

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(248): View more from Michigan

Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!

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(734): View more from Michigan

all my money is vodka money

(1-734): View more from Michigan

I have never read a truer sentence.

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(425): View more from Washington

she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.

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(616): View more from Michigan

We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.

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(989): View more from Michigan

If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back

(906): View more from Michigan

I resent that

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(239): View more from Florida

And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok

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(660): View more from Missouri

hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?

(816): View more from Missouri

yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward

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(859): View more from Kentucky

He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(256): View more from Alabama

Also, beer. Big fan.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.

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(559): View more from California

I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."

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(770): View more from Georgia

I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(415): View more from California

we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"

(707): View more from California

communist

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(970): View more from Colorado

I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING

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(775): View more from Nevada

Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.

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(281): View more from Texas

When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society

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(514): View more from Quebec

It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land

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(707): View more from California

Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON

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(785): View more from Kansas

Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.

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(928): View more from Arizona

It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".

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(815): View more from Illinois

Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.

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(281): View more from Texas

I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.

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(904): View more from Florida

It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics

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(369): View more from California

I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.

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(315): View more from New York

dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.

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(949): View more from California

Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut

(714): View more from California

I think mark twain said that originally

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(518): View more from New York

If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.

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(317): View more from Indiana

TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.

(415): View more from California

I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext

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(212): View more from New York

LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.

(303): View more from Colorado

Jesus Christ you're perfect.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy

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(909): View more from California

Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.

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(303): View more from Colorado

theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!

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(408): View more from California

Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.

(408): View more from California

Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly

(1-408): View more from California

I approve this so hard.

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(516): View more from New York

Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.

(312): View more from Illinois

Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

No shame December is a go.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.

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(914): View more from New York

I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.

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(406): View more from Montana

You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm just crazy horny about you

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(713): View more from Texas

She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.

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(310): View more from California

If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave

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(720): View more from Colorado

You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.

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(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.

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(315): View more from New York

I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(425): View more from Washington

Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.

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(515): View more from Iowa

In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.

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