Texts From Last Night

mandycarseat's Favorites Texts:

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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best

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  (630): I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best http://tfl.nu/gccv
  Replies (6) Good night (1779) Bad night (821)
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks

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  (804): She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks http://tfl.nu/ro6s
  Replies (3) Good night (1002) Bad night (285)
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.

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  (415): You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men. http://tfl.nu/015e
  Replies (4) Good night (1127) Bad night (381)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon

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  (480): The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon http://tfl.nu/h5eu
  Replies (0) Good night (321) Bad night (566)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed

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  (508): all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed http://tfl.nu/18hn
  Replies (4) Good night (788) Bad night (404)
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY

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  (717): WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY http://tfl.nu/nywf
  Replies (2) Good night (674) Bad night (364)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.

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  (908): Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you. http://tfl.nu/4vsb
  Replies (0) Good night (673) Bad night (346)
• Favorite

  (951): View more from California

  My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room

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  (951): My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room http://tfl.nu/wnm7
  Replies (26) Good night (4759) Bad night (1416)
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"

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  (905): they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about" http://tfl.nu/sw9a
  Replies (8) Good night (1768) Bad night (754)
• Favorite

  (434): View more from Virginia

  I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.

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  (434): I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories. http://tfl.nu/op72
  Replies (6) Good night (2282) Bad night (528)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!

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  (480): Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year! http://tfl.nu/fksl
  Replies (3) Good night (484) Bad night (1532)
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?

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  (479): Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus? http://tfl.nu/0nek
  Replies (4) Good night (664) Bad night (424)
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.

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  (732): When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell. http://tfl.nu/3h5a
  Replies (0) Good night (987) Bad night (386)
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  I wish to strangle

  (310): View more from California

  whoa there darth vader

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  (530): I wish to strangle (310): whoa there darth vader http://tfl.nu/ugge
  Replies (0) Good night (854) Bad night (428)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.

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  (512): Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them. http://tfl.nu/p5sb
  Replies (0) Good night (846) Bad night (434)
• Favorite

  (386): View more from Florida

  When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".

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  (386): When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me". http://tfl.nu/x44y
  Replies (0) Good night (804) Bad night (337)
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  It's important to play to your strengths.

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  (818): It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014. (440): It's important to play to your strengths. http://tfl.nu/uc6m
  Replies (0) Good night (781) Bad night (528)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"

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  (503): But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!" http://tfl.nu/pacv
  Replies (0) Good night (1002) Bad night (380)
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??

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  (616): I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask?? http://tfl.nu/g9zb
  Replies (18) Good night (1947) Bad night (511)
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks

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  (918): All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks http://tfl.nu/j9e3
  Replies (13) Good night (2139) Bad night (633)
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.

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  (440): all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers. http://tfl.nu/lyvi
  Replies (2) Good night (887) Bad night (339)
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
  Replies (156) Good night (7400) Bad night (41652)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.

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  (+44): He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up. http://tfl.nu/t0cr
  Replies (1) Good night (1821) Bad night (377)
• Favorite

  (712): View more from Iowa

  I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I'm honored.

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  (712): I don't question myself. That's what I have you for. (402): I'm honored. http://tfl.nu/7y62
  Replies (3) Good night (729) Bad night (485)
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us

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  (305): I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us http://tfl.nu/syu0
  Replies (3) Good night (420) Bad night (642)
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

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  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
  Replies (116) Good night (47837) Bad night (2521)
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.

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  (443): Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months. http://tfl.nu/088h
  Replies (1) Good night (611) Bad night (694)
• Favorite

  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?

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  (308): Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet? http://tfl.nu/pue4
  Replies (1) Good night (875) Bad night (355)
• Favorite

  (231): View more from Michigan

  That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.

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  (231): That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/ogi2
  Replies (8) Good night (788) Bad night (425)
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.

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  (502): So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted. http://tfl.nu/vsby
  Replies (3) Good night (1101) Bad night (407)
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys

  (703): View more from Virginia

  That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard

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  (334): I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys (703): That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard http://tfl.nu/zqx5
  Replies (1) Good night (1129) Bad night (495)
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash

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  (330): he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash http://tfl.nu/b2o7
  Replies (0) Good night (722) Bad night (412)
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could

  (1306): View more from

  well, that escalated quicky

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  (306): he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could (1306): well, that escalated quicky http://tfl.nu/lv5m
  Replies (5) Good night (1371) Bad night (438)
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done

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  (301): Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done http://tfl.nu/5hl8
  Replies (1) Good night (690) Bad night (439)
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.

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  (661): He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder. http://tfl.nu/ebay
  Replies (4) Good night (951) Bad night (480)
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  Is 1:30 too early for the bar?

  (718): View more from New York

  Do you want my opinion or society's?

  (646): View more from New York

  I want your company

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  (646): Is 1:30 too early for the bar? (718): Do you want my opinion or society's? (646): I want your company http://tfl.nu/br9a
  Replies (4) Good night (1622) Bad night (453)
• Favorite

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.

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  (225): I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams. http://tfl.nu/g2d9
  Replies (2) Good night (455) Bad night (605)
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school

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  (414): i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school http://tfl.nu/pd3u
  Replies (3) Good night (1205) Bad night (408)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil

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  (773): I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil http://tfl.nu/zlzm
  Replies (2) Good night (749) Bad night (474)
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.

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  (410): Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body. http://tfl.nu/22zp
  Replies (2) Good night (748) Bad night (392)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at

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  (716): Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at http://tfl.nu/gjoz
  Replies (12) Good night (823) Bad night (401)
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.

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  (616): Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila. http://tfl.nu/3l79
  Replies (1) Good night (572) Bad night (471)
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.

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  (636): You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone. http://tfl.nu/14uf
  Replies (7) Good night (603) Bad night (443)
• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~

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  (504): Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~ http://tfl.nu/nmyu
  Replies (5) Good night (501) Bad night (702)
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing

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  (914): Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing http://tfl.nu/dzxw
  Replies (1) Good night (1262) Bad night (405)
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  I round house kicked her emotions in the face

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  (785): I round house kicked her emotions in the face http://tfl.nu/nnqe
  Replies (3) Good night (761) Bad night (540)
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis

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  (780): My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace. (780): I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD. (403): I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis http://tfl.nu/glgp
  Replies (3) Good night (690) Bad night (430)
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household

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  (425): Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household http://tfl.nu/3bng
  Replies (5) Good night (1040) Bad night (405)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy

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  (201): Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy http://tfl.nu/ijnw
  Replies (1) Good night (965) Bad night (505)
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.

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  (312): I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct. http://tfl.nu/4xpm
  Replies (0) Good night (789) Bad night (401)
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.

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  (570): I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day. http://tfl.nu/mbwl
  Replies (2) Good night (949) Bad night (361)
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.

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  (727): You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest. http://tfl.nu/2kj8
  Replies (4) Good night (1130) Bad night (361)
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki

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  (250): I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki http://tfl.nu/rhok
  Replies (14) Good night (3037) Bad night (1208)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.

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  (508): Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem. http://tfl.nu/hw0f
  Replies (5) Good night (1512) Bad night (437)
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.

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  (618): I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams. http://tfl.nu/aen5
  Replies (4) Good night (1608) Bad night (366)
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall

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  (708): At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall http://tfl.nu/xpwv
  Replies (5) Good night (434) Bad night (913)
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk

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  (513): He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk http://tfl.nu/w9ix
  Replies (2) Good night (606) Bad night (416)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.

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  (202): I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in. http://tfl.nu/a062
  Replies (21) Good night (1546) Bad night (1124)
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?

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  (218): Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young? http://tfl.nu/34pp
  Replies (17) Good night (1625) Bad night (483)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.

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  (310): Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity. http://tfl.nu/wgjy
  Replies (8) Good night (2581) Bad night (758)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i think i might be a female sloth

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  (617): female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away (781): i think i might be a female sloth http://tfl.nu/d8fr
  Replies (5) Good night (2019) Bad night (444)
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.

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  (513): You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when. http://tfl.nu/o3c9
  Replies (6) Good night (1475) Bad night (452)
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights

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  (781): Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights http://tfl.nu/p5ea
  Replies (2) Good night (563) Bad night (674)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me

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  (617): The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me http://tfl.nu/mmd5
  Replies (8) Good night (1194) Bad night (488)
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.

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  (765): We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven. http://tfl.nu/19wc
  Replies (3) Good night (1485) Bad night (612)
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML

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  (780): If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML http://tfl.nu/m3i8
  Replies (8) Good night (1645) Bad night (566)
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice

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  (843): You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice http://tfl.nu/t6a0
  Replies (7) Good night (448) Bad night (674)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship

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  (508): I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship http://tfl.nu/b7qc
  Replies (4) Good night (895) Bad night (456)
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.

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  (518): Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time. http://tfl.nu/sw9x
  Replies (2) Good night (1171) Bad night (360)
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.

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  (570): It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk. http://tfl.nu/rmsw
  Replies (4) Good night (713) Bad night (481)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage

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  (757): It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage http://tfl.nu/6fy5
  Replies (1) Good night (1408) Bad night (423)
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day

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  (414): Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day http://tfl.nu/nn34
  Replies (3) Good night (5023) Bad night (1075)
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.

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  (315): My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair. http://tfl.nu/70uu
  Replies (6) Good night (850) Bad night (488)
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again

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  (918): I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again http://tfl.nu/ke6t
  Replies (6) Good night (972) Bad night (569)
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.

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  (270): He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE. http://tfl.nu/8wqq
  Replies (4) Good night (927) Bad night (442)
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts

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  (917): My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts http://tfl.nu/5sws
  Replies (3) Good night (933) Bad night (404)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.

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  (248): Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed. http://tfl.nu/r0u0
  Replies (1) Good night (942) Bad night (706)
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.

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  (484): Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you. http://tfl.nu/arry
  Replies (5) Good night (914) Bad night (379)
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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  (402): I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted. http://tfl.nu/yox0
  Replies (27) Good night (8211) Bad night (1353)
• Favorite

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!

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  (870): Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking! http://tfl.nu/tcnj
  Replies (2) Good night (724) Bad night (331)
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  all my money is vodka money

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  I have never read a truer sentence.

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  (734): all my money is vodka money (1-734): I have never read a truer sentence. http://tfl.nu/947v
  Replies (0) Good night (913) Bad night (383)
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.

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  (425): she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers. http://tfl.nu/95mp
  Replies (4) Good night (1221) Bad night (397)
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.

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  (616): We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots. http://tfl.nu/koac
  Replies (3) Good night (1919) Bad night (435)
• Favorite

  (989): View more from Michigan

  If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back

  (906): View more from Michigan

  I resent that

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  (989): If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back (906): I resent that http://tfl.nu/qneu
  Replies (6) Good night (3191) Bad night (1903)
• Favorite

  (239): View more from Florida

  And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok

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  (239): And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok http://tfl.nu/c91w
  Replies (1) Good night (932) Bad night (509)
• Favorite

  (660): View more from Missouri

  hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward

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  (660): hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv? (816): yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward http://tfl.nu/dn5c
  Replies (12) Good night (1550) Bad night (513)
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.

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  (859): He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends. http://tfl.nu/6utj
  Replies (11) Good night (1516) Bad night (2970)
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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  (443): booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again http://tfl.nu/1mb1
  Replies (13) Good night (6526) Bad night (1364)
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  Also, beer. Big fan.

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  (256): Also, beer. Big fan. http://tfl.nu/g295
  Replies (1) Good night (829) Bad night (326)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.

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  (617): My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me. http://tfl.nu/up6q
  Replies (2) Good night (1102) Bad night (476)
• Favorite

  (559): View more from California

  I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."

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  (559): I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce." http://tfl.nu/n8hm
  Replies (2) Good night (883) Bad night (586)
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.

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  (770): I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY. http://tfl.nu/v3bb
  Replies (9) Good night (1432) Bad night (441)
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.

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  (706): I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos. http://tfl.nu/xv9s
  Replies (9) Good night (983) Bad night (484)
• Favorite

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.

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  (931): Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close. http://tfl.nu/0xt0
  Replies (3) Good night (987) Bad night (764)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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  (215): Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you. http://tfl.nu/su7n
  Replies (12) Good night (3222) Bad night (685)
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"

  (707): View more from California

  communist

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  (415): we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own" (707): communist http://tfl.nu/tujw
  Replies (5) Good night (1384) Bad night (759)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have

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  (970): I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have http://tfl.nu/0tm9
  Replies (7) Good night (1493) Bad night (418)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING

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  (201): Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING http://tfl.nu/cx17
  Replies (3) Good night (736) Bad night (433)
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....

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  (775): Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW.... http://tfl.nu/zpmo
  Replies (6) Good night (1352) Bad night (556)
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.

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  (306): This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks. http://tfl.nu/6laj
  Replies (4) Good night (1843) Bad night (452)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.

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  (303): Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package. http://tfl.nu/50h2
  Replies (3) Good night (1017) Bad night (485)
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.

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  (281): When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down. http://tfl.nu/j4so
  Replies (2) Good night (1232) Bad night (421)
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society

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  (307): I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society http://tfl.nu/0efv
  Replies (3) Good night (964) Bad night (398)
• Favorite

  (514): View more from Quebec

  It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary

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  (514): It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary http://tfl.nu/a9h3
  Replies (0) Good night (1098) Bad night (518)
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."

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  (603): I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses." http://tfl.nu/iu6o
  Replies (2) Good night (1006) Bad night (369)
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land

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  (812): I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land http://tfl.nu/d4a5
  Replies (10) Good night (1366) Bad night (427)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.

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  (707): Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend. http://tfl.nu/wf6o
  Replies (6) Good night (1141) Bad night (434)
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON

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  (414): Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON http://tfl.nu/rpwp
  Replies (7) Good night (1535) Bad night (437)
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.

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  (785): Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want. http://tfl.nu/2jiy
  Replies (3) Good night (973) Bad night (362)
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".

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  (928): It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams". http://tfl.nu/l9ee
  Replies (6) Good night (639) Bad night (1031)
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?

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  (815): Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster? http://tfl.nu/pms2
  Replies (6) Good night (3544) Bad night (1461)
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  we need ur ladder

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  (612): He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume (612): we need ur ladder http://tfl.nu/n9qh
  Replies (19) Good night (7403) Bad night (1106)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.

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  (303): I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it. http://tfl.nu/jr23
  Replies (7) Good night (2582) Bad night (861)
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.

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  (281): I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth. http://tfl.nu/cgjr
  Replies (3) Good night (1429) Bad night (534)
• Favorite

  (231): View more from Michigan

  Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

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  (231): Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger. http://tfl.nu/yx75
  Replies (13) Good night (2600) Bad night (1122)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.

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  (919): Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka. http://tfl.nu/j4b1
  Replies (4) Good night (725) Bad night (846)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.

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  (303): My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you. http://tfl.nu/ugo1
  Replies (19) Good night (836) Bad night (1628)
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics

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  (904): It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics http://tfl.nu/x92g
  Replies (1) Good night (820) Bad night (457)
• Favorite

  (369): View more from California

  I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.

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  (369): I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter. http://tfl.nu/wfue
  Replies (4) Good night (1215) Bad night (405)
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play

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  (315): dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play http://tfl.nu/32t6
  Replies (6) Good night (1787) Bad night (507)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.

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  (412): So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T. http://tfl.nu/y888
  Replies (4) Good night (1586) Bad night (602)
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut

  (714): View more from California

  I think mark twain said that originally

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  (949): Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut (714): I think mark twain said that originally http://tfl.nu/28hc
  Replies (6) Good night (1692) Bad night (535)
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.

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  (518): If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd. http://tfl.nu/04nl
  Replies (8) Good night (960) Bad night (511)
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.

  (415): View more from California

  I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext

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  (317): TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT. (415): I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext http://tfl.nu/qb0z
  Replies (7) Good night (2647) Bad night (638)
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.

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  (212): LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen. http://tfl.nu/na6f
  Replies (5) Good night (1445) Bad night (470)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.

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  (651): OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high. http://tfl.nu/rjps
  Replies (2) Good night (1349) Bad night (809)
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Jesus Christ you're perfect.

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  (307): Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday. (303): Jesus Christ you're perfect. http://tfl.nu/7qs9
  Replies (4) Good night (1068) Bad night (527)
• Favorite

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy

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  (763): I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy http://tfl.nu/fuzq
  Replies (2) Good night (1088) Bad night (440)
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"

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  (909): Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead" http://tfl.nu/uxql
  Replies (4) Good night (1031) Bad night (550)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....

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  (404): All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused.... http://tfl.nu/ik1s
  Replies (6) Good night (1925) Bad night (574)
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.

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  (208): Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one. http://tfl.nu/4da2
  Replies (1) Good night (1200) Bad night (500)
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.

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  (613): You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock. http://tfl.nu/zgub
  Replies (7) Good night (1609) Bad night (495)
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.

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  (803): I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids! (1-803): Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew. http://tfl.nu/h7pj
  Replies (6) Good night (2012) Bad night (677)
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.

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  (307): I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband. http://tfl.nu/qjl3
  Replies (10) Good night (2997) Bad night (534)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away

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  (303): theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away http://tfl.nu/plhs
  Replies (8) Good night (711) Bad night (2232)
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."

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  (608): I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory." http://tfl.nu/0nol
  Replies (7) Good night (2668) Bad night (693)
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.

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  (832): after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations. http://tfl.nu/2l5l
  Replies (14) Good night (1630) Bad night (510)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.

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  (678): Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me. http://tfl.nu/6dhe
  Replies (9) Good night (1807) Bad night (746)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.

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  (404): I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/xlvi
  Replies (1) Good night (717) Bad night (461)
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!

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  (618): Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT! http://tfl.nu/daki
  Replies (4) Good night (1839) Bad night (759)
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.

  (408): View more from California

  Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly

  (1-408): View more from California

  I approve this so hard.

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  (408): Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon. (408): Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly (1-408): I approve this so hard. http://tfl.nu/8gh1
  Replies (4) Good night (1391) Bad night (470)
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

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  (516): Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet. http://tfl.nu/uizc
  Replies (16) Good night (3071) Bad night (679)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE

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  (847): The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking. (312): Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE http://tfl.nu/m86e
  Replies (1) Good night (994) Bad night (506)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?

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  (412): Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass? http://tfl.nu/n93b
  Replies (8) Good night (1257) Bad night (477)
• Favorite

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.

  (1-952): View more from Minnesota

  No shame December is a go.

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  (952): Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina. (1-952): No shame December is a go. http://tfl.nu/ilc6
  Replies (3) Good night (1166) Bad night (796)
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
  Replies (105) Good night (39391) Bad night (2192)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.

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  (202): Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out. http://tfl.nu/48b9
  Replies (17) Good night (2377) Bad night (1176)
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr

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  (914): I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr http://tfl.nu/3ptr
  Replies (3) Good night (1007) Bad night (406)
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.

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  (978): rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home. http://tfl.nu/3qi1
  Replies (8) Good night (1292) Bad night (695)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.

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  (406): You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock. http://tfl.nu/e7xz
  Replies (8) Good night (1029) Bad night (524)
• Favorite

  (620): View more from Kansas

  Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

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  (620): Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams. http://tfl.nu/9m3g
  Replies (7) Good night (1642) Bad night (712)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm just crazy horny about you

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  (215): I'm just crazy horny about you http://tfl.nu/n9zt
  Replies (11) Good night (1888) Bad night (465)
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.

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  (713): She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience. http://tfl.nu/a6s4
  Replies (5) Good night (1904) Bad night (679)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave

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  (310): If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave http://tfl.nu/1hv2
  Replies (1) Good night (967) Bad night (496)
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.

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  (720): You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist. http://tfl.nu/dze0
  Replies (10) Good night (1804) Bad night (590)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.

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  (+44): We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands. http://tfl.nu/fk2d
  Replies (3) Good night (1941) Bad night (553)
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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  (905): And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced. http://tfl.nu/b7p5
  Replies (12) Good night (3114) Bad night (740)
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.

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  (785): I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend. http://tfl.nu/8tu9
  Replies (3) Good night (965) Bad night (594)
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores

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  (315): I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores http://tfl.nu/za4f
  Replies (3) Good night (1044) Bad night (401)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
  Replies (83) Good night (34637) Bad night (1756)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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  (215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room. http://tfl.nu/3nsa
  Replies (86) Good night (40727) Bad night (2334)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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  (847): so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration". http://tfl.nu/m5rh
  Replies (87) Good night (52829) Bad night (3646)
• Favorite

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
  Replies (214) Good night (52436) Bad night (3116)
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
  Replies (175) Good night (53069) Bad night (6364)
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.

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  (425): Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage. http://tfl.nu/p8gy
  Replies (13) Good night (569) Bad night (2163)
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.

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  (515): In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night. http://tfl.nu/3r48
  Replies (5) Good night (514) Bad night (1325)