Texts From Last Night · mandycarseat's Favorites

mandycarseat's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(630): View more from Illinois

I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best

Fav 6 1953 1015
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks

Fav 3 1158 423
share tweet

(415): View more from California

You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.

Fav 4 1296 561
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon

Fav 0 481 723
share tweet
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Read it at the TFLN blog
(508): View more from Massachusetts

all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed

Fav 4 976 596
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY

Fav 2 803 546
share tweet

(908): View more from New Jersey

Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.

Fav 0 822 515
share tweet

(951): View more from California

My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room

Fav 26 4967 1666
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"

Fav 8 1962 954
share tweet
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Read it at the TFLN blog
(434): View more from Virginia

I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.

Fav 6 2532 754
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!

Fav 3 645 1754
share tweet

(479): View more from Arkansas

Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?

Fav 4 850 582
share tweet

(732): View more from New Jersey

When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.

Fav 0 1202 595
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I wish to strangle

(310): View more from California

whoa there darth vader

Fav 0 1066 649
share tweet

(512): View more from Texas

Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.

Fav 0 1028 622
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".

Fav 0 978 553
share tweet
(818): View more from California

It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.

(440): View more from Ohio

It's important to play to your strengths.

Fav 0 1031 721
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"

Fav 0 1212 566
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??

Fav 18 2129 706
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks

Fav 13 2308 809
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.

Fav 2 1093 529
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Fav 156 7690 41993
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.

Fav 1 2058 552
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm honored.

Fav 3 927 677
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us

Fav 3 563 814
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

Fav 117 48384 2743
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.

Fav 1 808 908
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?

Fav 1 1060 531
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.

Fav 8 988 624
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.

Fav 3 1275 622
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys

(703): View more from Virginia

That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard

Fav 1 1306 688
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash

Fav 0 909 625
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could

(1306): View more from

well, that escalated quicky

Fav 5 1582 648
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done

Fav 1 801 606
share tweet
(661): View more from California

He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.

Fav 4 1175 760
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Is 1:30 too early for the bar?

(718): View more from New York

Do you want my opinion or society's?

(646): View more from New York

I want your company

Fav 4 1850 666
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.

Fav 2 564 745
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school

Fav 3 1405 615
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil

Fav 2 878 602
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.

Fav 2 928 570
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at

Fav 12 1040 599
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.

Fav 1 729 630
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.

Fav 7 775 606
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~

Fav 5 665 880
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing

Fav 1 1487 591
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I round house kicked her emotions in the face

Fav 3 948 765
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis

Fav 3 891 635
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household

Fav 5 1222 607
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy

Fav 1 1110 644
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.

Fav 0 982 641
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.

Fav 2 1137 534
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.

Fav 4 1350 573
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki

Fav 14 3231 1455
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.

Fav 5 1709 624
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.

Fav 4 1794 560
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall

Fav 5 604 1065
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk

Fav 2 782 606
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.

Fav 21 1707 1331
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?

Fav 17 1794 672
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.

Fav 8 2792 990
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i think i might be a female sloth

Fav 5 2230 681
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.

Fav 6 1679 674
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights

Fav 2 722 867
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me

Fav 8 1379 665
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.

Fav 3 1680 823
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML

Fav 8 1870 793
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice

Fav 7 589 878
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship

Fav 4 1089 665
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.

Fav 2 1341 522
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.

Fav 4 844 623
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage

Fav 1 1595 617
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day

Fav 3 5233 1312
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.

Fav 6 1041 695
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again

Fav 6 1116 760
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.

Fav 4 1090 618
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts

Fav 3 1113 635
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.

Fav 1 1112 864
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.

Fav 5 1035 567
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

Fav 27 8469 1590
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!

Fav 2 838 482
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

all my money is vodka money

(1-734): View more from Michigan

I have never read a truer sentence.

Fav 0 1060 556
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.

Fav 4 1379 559
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.

Fav 3 2099 617
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back

(906): View more from Michigan

I resent that

Fav 6 3451 2149
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok

Fav 1 1109 676
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?

(816): View more from Missouri

yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward

Fav 12 1799 715
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.

Fav 11 1692 3134
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

Fav 13 6750 1608
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Also, beer. Big fan.

Fav 1 963 485
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.

Fav 2 1297 657
share tweet
(559): View more from California

I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."

Fav 2 1066 842
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.

Fav 9 1615 642
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.

Fav 9 1155 668
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.

Fav 3 1170 978
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

Fav 12 3469 958
share tweet
(415): View more from California

we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"

(707): View more from California

communist

Fav 5 1584 963
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have

Fav 7 1655 572
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING

Fav 3 911 641
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....

Fav 6 1541 768
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.

Fav 4 2050 645
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.

Fav 3 1214 692
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.

Fav 2 1358 585
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society

Fav 3 1118 528
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary

Fav 0 1284 728
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."

Fav 2 1180 559
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land

Fav 10 1548 649
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.

Fav 6 1345 652
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON

Fav 7 1736 607
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.

Fav 3 1101 529
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".

Fav 6 819 1283
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?

Fav 6 3788 1704
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

Fav 19 7648 1352
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.

Fav 7 2742 1006
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.

Fav 3 1579 693
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

Fav 13 2791 1350
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.

Fav 4 888 1006
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.

Fav 19 1021 1844
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics

Fav 1 1018 644
share tweet
(369): View more from California

I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.

Fav 4 1395 575
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play

Fav 6 1967 723
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.

Fav 4 1818 849
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut

(714): View more from California

I think mark twain said that originally

Fav 6 1898 759
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.

Fav 8 1128 657
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.

(415): View more from California

I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext

Fav 7 2865 868
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.

Fav 5 1640 652
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.

Fav 2 1554 980
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.

(303): View more from Colorado

Jesus Christ you're perfect.

Fav 4 1253 721
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy

Fav 2 1261 608
share tweet
(909): View more from California

Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"

Fav 4 1183 747
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....

Fav 6 2122 786
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.

Fav 1 1396 681
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.

Fav 7 1828 697
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.

Fav 6 2220 931
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.

Fav 10 3228 749
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away

Fav 8 834 2394
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."

Fav 7 2875 924
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.

Fav 14 1814 699
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.

Fav 9 2011 923
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.

Fav 1 865 615
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!

Fav 4 2054 961
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.

(408): View more from California

Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly

(1-408): View more from California

I approve this so hard.

Fav 4 1560 693
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

Fav 16 3289 901
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.

(312): View more from Illinois

Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE

Fav 1 1143 677
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?

Fav 8 1423 649
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

No shame December is a go.

Fav 3 1367 1021
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39833 2421
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.

Fav 17 2610 1422
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr

Fav 3 1134 569
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.

Fav 8 1478 896
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.

Fav 8 1197 691
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

Fav 7 1854 940
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm just crazy horny about you

Fav 11 2085 664
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.

Fav 5 2076 885
share tweet
(310): View more from California

If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave

Fav 1 1140 690
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.

Fav 10 2008 784
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.

Fav 3 2112 733
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

Fav 12 3334 962
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.

Fav 3 1155 790
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores

Fav 3 1183 551
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35117 2034
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

Fav 86 41204 2560
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

Fav 87 53455 3870
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 52953 3378
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53537 6647
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.

Fav 13 729 2348
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.

Fav 5 657 1457
share tweet