Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
were you high?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean