Texts From Last Night · cmcgro2's Favorites

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cmcgro2's Favorites Texts:

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(360): View more from Washington

I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila

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(404): View more from Georgia

Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just want nice things and good sex

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(815): View more from Illinois

the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.

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(650): View more from California

Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.

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(727): View more from Florida

Why were you not born a dude?

(1-727): View more from Florida

Because god wanted to level the playing field

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(818): View more from California

Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.

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(432): View more from Texas

This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(515): View more from Iowa

Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day

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(707): View more from California

Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.

(707): View more from California

And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

my self respect just called, its having a good time without me

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Would you like season tickets to my vagina?

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(630): View more from Illinois

And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.

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(757): View more from Virginia

You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.

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(310): View more from California

What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.

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(509): View more from Washington

I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

8===D

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.

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(425): View more from Washington

Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants

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(909): View more from California

I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Why Weren't you wearing pants?

(647): View more from Ontario

because pants are for people with no imagination

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(206): View more from Washington

"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

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(760): View more from California

Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage

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(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed

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(253): View more from Washington

There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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(904): View more from Florida

Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'

(1-904): View more from Florida

wtf?

(904): View more from Florida

It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"

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(850): View more from Florida

No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....

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(708): View more from Illinois

as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Blow your rape whistle

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(703): View more from Virginia

I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(207): View more from Maine

I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"

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(989): View more from Michigan

we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he said i'm too pretty to suck penis

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(757): View more from Virginia

I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.

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(607): View more from New York

im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.

(607): View more from New York

way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(206): View more from Washington

do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(607): View more from New York

I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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(845): View more from New York

Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

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(850): View more from Florida

What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Her vagina devoured it.

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(817): View more from Texas

His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."

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(815): View more from Illinois

I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me

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(208): View more from Idaho

They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"

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(810): View more from Michigan

There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

She kept screaming "best case scenario"

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(210): View more from Texas

My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.

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(914): View more from New York

you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds

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(310): View more from California

Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?

(770): View more from Georgia

b/c u have herpes

(310): View more from California

No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(716): View more from New York

dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you

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(345): View more from Cayman Islands

Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful

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(512): View more from Texas

will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?

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(815): View more from Illinois

I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night

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(512): View more from Texas

Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'

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(928): View more from Arizona

She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(217): View more from Illinois

just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good

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(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.

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(785): View more from Kansas

this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln

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(416): View more from Toronto

I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(815): View more from Illinois

just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

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(310): View more from California

If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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(816): View more from Missouri

she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(305): View more from Florida

i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

(1-305): View more from Florida

lets call myth busters

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(214): View more from Texas

Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(604): View more from British Columbia

when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

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(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(214): View more from Texas

things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(813): View more from Florida

my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

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(702): View more from Nevada

whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(310): View more from California

I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(404): View more from Georgia

They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.

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(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.

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(909): View more from California

i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...

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(646): View more from New York

Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?

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(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.

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(325): View more from Texas

how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

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(757): View more from Virginia

Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

(201): View more from New Jersey

hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(703): View more from Virginia

You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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(409): View more from Texas

Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

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(727): View more from Florida

writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.

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(585): View more from New York

she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?

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(509): View more from Washington

I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(419): View more from Ohio

My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.

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(847): View more from Illinois

she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(209): View more from California

You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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