What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS