We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
