We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
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Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
she pinky promised me she was 18
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
you will always have a special place in my vag
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room