We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Please, let me fuck your mom
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i dont even know how to be here
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Wipe that smile off your face.
who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section