Texts From Last Night

Aussiebum's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you. http://tfl.nu/vise
  Replies (9) Good night (629) Bad night (3097) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS http://tfl.nu/2yyy
  Replies (5) Good night (2862) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week http://tfl.nu/mj5j
  Replies (7) Good night (968) Bad night (2449)
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?" http://tfl.nu/5x5l
  Replies (78) Good night (882) Bad night (16831) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary. http://tfl.nu/nvwp
  Replies (17) Good night (4701) Bad night (556)
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed. http://tfl.nu/g7ri
  Replies (4) Good night (2574) Bad night (626) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  So. She dumped me today.

  (425): View more from Washington

  Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): So. She dumped me today. (425): Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving". http://tfl.nu/4be4
  Replies (12) Good night (1088) Bad night (3276)
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away. http://tfl.nu/k6q1
  Replies (13) Good night (6245) Bad night (763)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

  (303): View more from Colorado

  my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned. (720): Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed? (303): my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are http://tfl.nu/22n0
  Replies (9) Good night (3681) Bad night (1168)
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

  (802): View more from Vermont

  So basically you were a dog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground. (802): So basically you were a dog. http://tfl.nu/0n1s
  Replies (14) Good night (8037) Bad night (755)
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself. http://tfl.nu/zfk0
  Replies (10) Good night (936) Bad night (2550)
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle. http://tfl.nu/baj8
  Replies (52) Good night (2178) Bad night (7715) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (204): She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous http://tfl.nu/ntwa
  Replies (17) Good night (8726) Bad night (569) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running. http://tfl.nu/jcc8
  Replies (76) Good night (16203) Bad night (1838)
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"

  (1-972): View more from Texas

  More like "Chia Pet"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): I just named my vagina "The Boneyard" (1-972): More like "Chia Pet" http://tfl.nu/ds7x
  Replies (19) Good night (800) Bad night (5060) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  but fathers day is next sunday

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day (617): but fathers day is next sunday (781): i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet http://tfl.nu/pxvx
  Replies (14) Good night (753) Bad night (4176)
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Kiss

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  Puke

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): Kiss (1-313): Puke http://tfl.nu/qokk
  Replies (6) Good night (858) Bad night (1817) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo. http://tfl.nu/6eag
  Replies (37) Good night (4427) Bad night (860) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner. http://tfl.nu/auiz
  Replies (5) Good night (4660) Bad night (727) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me. http://tfl.nu/23ps
  Replies (8) Good night (3881) Bad night (625)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal http://tfl.nu/qwe2
  Replies (13) Good night (7163) Bad night (1328) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (806): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (806): I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit. http://tfl.nu/a0hw
  Replies (4) Good night (2383) Bad night (603) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (479): just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation. http://tfl.nu/5hwm
  Replies (162) Good night (1153) Bad night (6716) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number. http://tfl.nu/j9e9
  Replies (21) Good night (3571) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out." http://tfl.nu/0tb5
  Replies (3) Good night (3489) Bad night (731)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college. http://tfl.nu/snfw
  Replies (3) Good night (3702) Bad night (491)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing http://tfl.nu/zvza
  Replies (10) Good night (4043) Bad night (1324) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13. http://tfl.nu/mb7j
  Replies (13) Good night (8154) Bad night (826) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time. http://tfl.nu/xax0
  Replies (21) Good night (955) Bad night (7416) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (432): View more from Texas

  So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

  (207): View more from Maine

  You need to stop watching Twilight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (432): So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler? (207): You need to stop watching Twilight. http://tfl.nu/oudp
  Replies (48) Good night (1120) Bad night (1306)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again. http://tfl.nu/qw6q
  Replies (50) Good night (19640) Bad night (1992) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  shit pants at work. discarded underwear.

  (1-530): View more from California

  just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?

  (530): View more from California

  yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): shit pants at work. discarded underwear. (1-530): just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now? (530): yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye. http://tfl.nu/oxzl
  Replies (44) Good night (869) Bad night (4774)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day http://tfl.nu/hrk3
  Replies (8) Good night (9723) Bad night (813) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry. http://tfl.nu/e7cu
  Replies (9) Good night (7146) Bad night (847) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized http://tfl.nu/gtwy
  Replies (53) Good night (4916) Bad night (856) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (626): View more from California

  I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (626): I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong. http://tfl.nu/s8qo
  Replies (46) Good night (459) Bad night (1342) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.

  (516): View more from New York

  was the water running?

  (917): View more from New York City

  yeah but he said he knows how to swim

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower. (516): was the water running? (917): yeah but he said he knows how to swim http://tfl.nu/akph
  Replies (10) Good night (6200) Bad night (1014)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then? (636): Yup. (314): Yup. http://tfl.nu/bp2u
  Replies (70) Good night (24689) Bad night (1717)
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed http://tfl.nu/avah
  Replies (9) Good night (1445) Bad night (4257) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!

  (315): View more from New York

  AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!! (315): AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!! http://tfl.nu/witt
  Replies (16) Good night (5896) Bad night (1304)
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there http://tfl.nu/9lof
  Replies (12) Good night (5006) Bad night (1027) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that. http://tfl.nu/tj9k
  Replies (6) Good night (5444) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (210): he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me http://tfl.nu/5qy1
  Replies (25) Good night (976) Bad night (8265) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): 8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on. http://tfl.nu/8x7p
  Replies (6) Good night (5304) Bad night (778) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (209): View more from California

  update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.

  (1-209): View more from California

  the house was on fire??

  (209): View more from California

  shit I thought I told you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (209): update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff. (1-209): the house was on fire?? (209): shit I thought I told you. http://tfl.nu/gdcx
  Replies (16) Good night (1077) Bad night (5012)
• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (856): I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch. http://tfl.nu/64iu
  Replies (28) Good night (4838) Bad night (876) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes" http://tfl.nu/1j0f
  Replies (18) Good night (1708) Bad night (5885)
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed http://tfl.nu/wvyq
  Replies (59) Good night (12978) Bad night (2178) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you" http://tfl.nu/k4ce
  Replies (42) Good night (1237) Bad night (6599)
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed http://tfl.nu/1voz
  Replies (8) Good night (963) Bad night (4542) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people. http://tfl.nu/iaht
  Replies (12) Good night (13191) Bad night (1024) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties. http://tfl.nu/2id3
  Replies (24) Good night (9879) Bad night (819)
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was... http://tfl.nu/7mx1
  Replies (50) Good night (11090) Bad night (2382) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job. http://tfl.nu/97jt
  Replies (18) Good night (7901) Bad night (1708) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors.... http://tfl.nu/43xp
  Replies (4) Good night (3378) Bad night (1774) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors. http://tfl.nu/cath
  Replies (10) Good night (10934) Bad night (842)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  our cab driver is having phone sex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): our cab driver is having phone sex. http://tfl.nu/18ax
  Replies (18) Good night (5337) Bad night (2182) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried. http://tfl.nu/h9l8
  Replies (17) Good night (1982) Bad night (4189) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy! (218): I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head. http://tfl.nu/0svk
  Replies (29) Good night (4747) Bad night (1707)
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  maybe i'll see you again later :)

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I'd rather shit a knife.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): maybe i'll see you again later :) (774): I'd rather shit a knife. http://tfl.nu/qge0
  Replies (50) Good night (1717) Bad night (10731)
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (184) Good night (51550) Bad night (2258)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo. http://tfl.nu/dtd1
  Replies (22) Good night (1159) Bad night (5279)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (289) Good night (62243) Bad night (4262)
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  when are you leaving homes?

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

  (302): View more from Delaware

  I had a sex dream about Oprah.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  go back to sleep

  (302): View more from Delaware

  dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): when are you leaving homes? (610): it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51 (302): I had a sex dream about Oprah. (610): go back to sleep (302): dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah. http://tfl.nu/idf1
  Replies (16) Good night (1251) Bad night (5174)
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning. http://tfl.nu/odgl
  Replies (58) Good night (16164) Bad night (3383)
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself. http://tfl.nu/i4wo
  Replies (14) Good night (1637) Bad night (5610)
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (780): Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man. http://tfl.nu/3qrw
  Replies (8) Good night (4907) Bad night (1732) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night http://tfl.nu/jc2t
  Replies (14) Good night (3968) Bad night (1136) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you. http://tfl.nu/15wm
  Replies (19) Good night (6252) Bad night (902)
• Favorite

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  K. On the way. I need a drink.

  (904): View more from Florida

  Like a drink drink or like water?

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Have we met?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (601): K. On the way. I need a drink. (904): Like a drink drink or like water? (601): Have we met? http://tfl.nu/ckaw
  Replies (10) Good night (6052) Bad night (779)
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

  (760): View more from California

  When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex" (760): When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely." http://tfl.nu/jlap
  Replies (19) Good night (6735) Bad night (572)
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Honestly, what else do I have going for me?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  You make a valid point.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets. (440): Honestly, what else do I have going for me? (216): You make a valid point. http://tfl.nu/ba8r
  Replies (22) Good night (1537) Bad night (3641)
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.

  (415): View more from California

  we had.

  (650): View more from California

  well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter. (415): we had. (650): well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again. http://tfl.nu/lm7j
  Replies (5) Good night (527) Bad night (1279)
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea. http://tfl.nu/bfzd
  Replies (8) Good night (4206) Bad night (952)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys http://tfl.nu/w106
  Replies (14) Good night (2420) Bad night (4370) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know. http://tfl.nu/dzr5
  Replies (15) Good night (6705) Bad night (932)
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by. http://tfl.nu/au1s
  Replies (16) Good night (4595) Bad night (1319) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

  (904): View more from Florida

  FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing. (904): FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift http://tfl.nu/ws8p
  Replies (18) Good night (7484) Bad night (969)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  can your parents tell?

  (310): View more from California

  i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): can your parents tell? (310): i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know http://tfl.nu/rda5
  Replies (26) Good night (9416) Bad night (1332)
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown. http://tfl.nu/l3ul
  Replies (49) Good night (2184) Bad night (5215) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts... http://tfl.nu/9w6o
  Replies (22) Good night (2480) Bad night (6593) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care? http://tfl.nu/9o7b
  Replies (25) Good night (4603) Bad night (2389) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo http://tfl.nu/rg6x
  Replies (36) Good night (5913) Bad night (1034) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (204): some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city http://tfl.nu/k6ti
  Replies (38) Good night (11911) Bad night (905) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

  (1-805): View more from California

  Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with? (1-805): Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info. http://tfl.nu/n3dd
  Replies (27) Good night (574) Bad night (2564)
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  everyone is single if you try hard enough

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): everyone is single if you try hard enough http://tfl.nu/81g9
  Replies (42) Good night (5191) Bad night (697) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  Are you still giving blowjobs?

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Who is this?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): Are you still giving blowjobs? (1-850): Who is this? http://tfl.nu/iq9v
  Replies (30) Good night (9614) Bad night (2081) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?! http://tfl.nu/ajcv
  Replies (16) Good night (1085) Bad night (4623) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  ur plase or mine? lol

  (1-908): View more from New Jersey

  well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): ur plase or mine? lol (1-908): well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine. http://tfl.nu/rmr0
  Replies (12) Good night (1087) Bad night (1799) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show. http://tfl.nu/h6zp
  Replies (16) Good night (7567) Bad night (801) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets. http://tfl.nu/gp9t
  Replies (21) Good night (8135) Bad night (1022)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
  Replies (82) Good night (33410) Bad night (1284)
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option. http://tfl.nu/dknj
  Replies (22) Good night (6185) Bad night (957) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic http://tfl.nu/lvdi
  Replies (17) Good night (15682) Bad night (1085)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting" http://tfl.nu/dmjy
  Replies (25) Good night (15140) Bad night (1127) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (906): View more from Michigan

  last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (906): last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that http://tfl.nu/8upf
  Replies (16) Good night (1623) Bad night (5323) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased. http://tfl.nu/r0ay
  Replies (14) Good night (853) Bad night (3957) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her.. http://tfl.nu/k827
  Replies (49) Good night (6596) Bad night (495) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship. http://tfl.nu/j0tt
  Replies (13) Good night (6431) Bad night (1347) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

  (786): View more from Florida

  How high are you right now..

  (305): View more from Florida

  I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind. (786): How high are you right now.. (305): I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT. http://tfl.nu/q5i7
  Replies (29) Good night (10146) Bad night (961)
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius. http://tfl.nu/hqjt
  Replies (26) Good night (7798) Bad night (1055)
• Favorite

  (209): View more from California

  Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (209): Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me." http://tfl.nu/89qv
  Replies (14) Good night (1694) Bad night (4713)
• Favorite

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (318): He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later." http://tfl.nu/4lz3
  Replies (14) Good night (2276) Bad night (3585) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You mean bread?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast? (404): You mean bread? http://tfl.nu/0bp8
  Replies (60) Good night (16849) Bad night (1252)
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  I think we should see other people.

  (1-207): View more from Maine

  Already working on it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): I think we should see other people. (1-207): Already working on it. http://tfl.nu/a8l6
  Replies (12) Good night (5791) Bad night (1462) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early. http://tfl.nu/h3ys
  Replies (21) Good night (942) Bad night (3654) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (209): View more from California

  You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (209): You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed. http://tfl.nu/9lg8
  Replies (23) Good night (1954) Bad night (6570) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux http://tfl.nu/x72r
  Replies (13) Good night (7570) Bad night (791) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (641): View more from Iowa

  Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (641): Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that. http://tfl.nu/2jzp
  Replies (27) Good night (8663) Bad night (3158) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee (1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation http://tfl.nu/gydk
  Replies (78) Good night (6208) Bad night (6699) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  It'll hurt less than being alone

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much (1-407): It'll hurt less than being alone http://tfl.nu/6ydx
  Replies (12) Good night (4531) Bad night (1160) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On." http://tfl.nu/jjrw
  Replies (26) Good night (4102) Bad night (962) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (478): View more from Georgia

  she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (478): she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet http://tfl.nu/g772
  Replies (14) Good night (3721) Bad night (843) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar. http://tfl.nu/ez5w
  Replies (26) Good night (3640) Bad night (848) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
  Replies (225) Good night (7498) Bad night (72125)
• Favorite

  (239): View more from Florida

  I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (239): I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking http://tfl.nu/yxe4
  Replies (61) Good night (5671) Bad night (709)
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away. http://tfl.nu/p1dq
  Replies (20) Good night (2840) Bad night (3810) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high. http://tfl.nu/lc86
  Replies (37) Good night (6486) Bad night (911) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he. http://tfl.nu/52vb
  Replies (51) Good night (14840) Bad night (2228) Order T-Shirt