Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China