Texts From Last Night · eralfnoez's Favorites

Sorry Smexysk8rchick hasn't picked any favorites yet.

eralfnoez's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(520): View more from Arizona

Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.

Fav 8 1142 1992
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.

Fav 21 1765 5626
share tweet

(229): View more from Georgia

Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

Fav 11 3267 1084
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?

Fav 48 1367 788
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Wait. Someome brought slutcake?

Fav 9 2463 946
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..

Fav 6 870 682
share tweet

(580): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.

Fav 6 1012 573
share tweet

(802): View more from Vermont

I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty

Fav 3 981 508
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.

Fav 5 1019 643
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"

Fav 18 2055 624
share tweet
(650): View more from California

My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.

Fav 2 1359 575
share tweet

(904): View more from Florida

It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.

Fav 9 2525 710
share tweet

(401): View more from Rhode Island

My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'

Fav 11 2480 887
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina

Fav 3 1338 583
share tweet

(850): View more from Florida

so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!

Fav 6 1871 651
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.

Fav 3 1454 538
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...

Fav 0 1698 621
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Happy Birhtday!

(289): View more from Ontario

Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home

Fav 4 2207 729
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.

Fav 7 2565 824
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over

Fav 3 1647 653
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

(404): View more from Georgia

STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

Fav 19 3750 1035
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.

Fav 1 1320 496
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH

(360): View more from Washington

Yes

(253): View more from Washington

O.K.

Fav 4 1734 1219
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.

Fav 5 2495 704
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment

Fav 5 1780 662
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.

Fav 5 1608 1031
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?

Fav 14 5903 2122
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.

(440): View more from Ohio

Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.

Fav 2 2730 914
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.

(615): View more from Tennessee

Like handprints on my lower back...

Fav 3 2251 763
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.

Fav 4 3678 1049
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.

Fav 13 3590 972
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.

Fav 21 4461 1614
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.

Fav 3 3601 901
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom

Fav 5 2370 769
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.

Fav 6 998 642
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I'm pregnant.

(1-407): View more from Florida

The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

Fav 17 2046 2752
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job

Fav 4 3505 1439
share tweet
(909): View more from California

While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."

Fav 1 1153 636
share tweet
(787): View more from Puerto Rico

They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music

Fav 9 1612 722
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

Fav 28 4231 1175
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.

Fav 16 2296 1448
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!

Fav 13 2289 963
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I'm going through a really dark time right now

(214): View more from Texas

I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up

Fav 5 896 1844
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.

Fav 10 2312 853
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.

(410): View more from Maryland

By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!

Fav 16 2852 1229
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.

Fav 5 3011 756
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.

Fav 11 865 2078
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

Fav 22 8132 1833
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

Fav 6 4214 1345
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out

Fav 10 1797 886
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.

Fav 3 1134 711
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.

Fav 5 1192 581
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.

Fav 8 1254 686
share tweet
(916): View more from California

They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk

Fav 3 654 1651
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

Fav 12 3351 972
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?

Fav 7 899 1156
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains

Fav 6 1692 860
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...

Fav 10 3310 860
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.

Fav 3 2069 773
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?

Fav 6 3817 1739
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....

Fav 11 1781 3956
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.

Fav 4 2346 848
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

Fav 16 6008 1374
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.

Fav 6 3314 1450
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.

Fav 3 1864 791
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??

Fav 6 2112 957
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.

Fav 9 1210 1273
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.

Fav 9 2612 1290
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%

(1-914): View more from New York

He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal

Fav 15 2672 1211
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.

Fav 9 1781 868
share tweet
(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

Fav 20 4143 1015
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight

Fav 14 1359 2696
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.

(1-443): View more from Maryland

That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.

Fav 18 1388 3113
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...

Fav 6 700 1534
share tweet
(619): View more from California

THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS

Fav 11 1838 807
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"

Fav 13 3065 1582
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

Fav 27 3890 1106
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

Fav 16 7232 2710
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

Fav 12 2949 941
share tweet
(925): View more from California

You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.

Fav 17 6625 1294
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face

Fav 6 5429 1171
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?

Fav 14 4237 931
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.

Fav 20 4019 975
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.

Fav 16 1413 5133
share tweet
(209): View more from California

High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.

Fav 4 3806 997
share tweet
(805): View more from California

What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.

Fav 29 3788 957
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

Fav 37 10364 2115
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical

Fav 7 4673 1237
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.

Fav 20 2055 962
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!

Fav 14 1853 1151
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.

Fav 7 2666 827
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

Fav 4 5780 1301
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why

Fav 11 1315 3032
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

Fav 21 8969 1506
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.

(870): View more from Arkansas

Birthday success

Fav 4 1677 861
share tweet
(714): View more from California

She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?

Fav 53 1515 5592
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever

Fav 18 6468 1701
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought

Fav 11 2306 1095
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

Fav 55 22260 1883
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

Fav 10 9260 1362
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.

Fav 29 4732 3817
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org

(516): View more from New York

.org?

(631): View more from New York

yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.

Fav 8 3281 1041
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

Fav 51 16036 4497
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

Fav 49 3278 5500
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

Fav 27 11766 1879
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

Fav 45 10964 4725
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

Fav 35 7992 1548
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod

Fav 6 6036 1382
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..

Fav 14 2103 808
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...

(320): View more from Minnesota

He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.

Fav 26 2516 1379
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

Fav 14 7887 1389
share tweet
(209): View more from California

We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem

Fav 31 3551 1507
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.

(402): View more from Nebraska

but it's kind of a high honor.

Fav 30 1636 6320
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.

Fav 6 3673 927
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???

(773): View more from Illinois

Found 2 Coors, problem solved.

Fav 11 2013 758
share tweet
(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

Fav 26 5333 1047
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.

Fav 29 4363 1014
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.

Fav 30 2020 4783
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs

Fav 7 2884 972
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some

Fav 5 2163 753
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

Fav 22 4796 1585
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

Fav 31 4802 5712
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

Fav 23 12438 1804
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.

Fav 15 3586 1060
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night

Fav 11 4422 1694
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.

Fav 45 2305 6053
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

Fav 34 5448 6823
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

Fav 20 6946 1192
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.

Fav 4 3929 884
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

Fav 23 8266 1671
share tweet
(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

Fav 22 14761 1538
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.

Fav 33 6484 2075
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.

Fav 9 2579 766
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.

(310): View more from California

Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.

Fav 12 2988 1634
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?

Fav 12 2501 1009
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday

Fav 13 1498 1103
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?

Fav 20 3855 1246
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.

(712): View more from Iowa

What's an angry pirate?

(702): View more from Nevada

You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.

Fav 32 1522 2014
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized

Fav 53 5435 1348
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

Fav 18 1546 2096
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.

Fav 35 1789 3183
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.

Fav 37 3160 861
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

Fav 50 13559 1915
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.

(917): View more from New York City

Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.

Fav 23 7733 1004
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.

(307): View more from Wyoming

Haha. Niice.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.

(307): View more from Wyoming

both.

Fav 46 6345 1206
share tweet
(650): View more from California

so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.

(415): View more from California

What...you let him do that?

(650): View more from California

It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow

Fav 72 5803 1023
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

Fav 53 7812 2823
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

Fav 20 1930 5175
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

Fav 87 4051 32259
share tweet