I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i want to fuck
it's pretty self explanatory
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.