I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
This is not my ceiling
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
im so drunk with asians
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i would punch a child for taco bell
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Plural? Please tell.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
yea but for you.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.