You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.