eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Sacagawea was the original milf.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"