She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He felt like a one man threesome
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave