she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
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Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
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do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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