I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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