i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
bring money and cleavage
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
please come you make the beer taste better
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.