he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Your dad touched me again.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm fucking your sister right now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
he laminated a picture of his dick.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.