The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.